Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Up on Joe's Bar

photo by Ryan Pream, makeup by Stephanie Dawn

Monday, November 16, 2009

A Story About the Virgin Islands

"Oh yeah, whatever you guys need to do!" says Joe. He's a laid-back long hair, grinning like the pirates in my imagination. Somehow I thought we'd have to talk him into this. He doesn't stay around for the action though, he gives us permission and gets out of the way. Talking to his customers in the other corner.
Joe's Beach Bar, Water Island, near St. Thomas, USVI, is hoping on Sunday night. Boats are pulled up on the sand, little boats, some kayaks, dinghys, boats I don't know the names of. Everyone is tan and weather beaten with wild hair. Jeans are cut off anf t shirts are old. Its like a bigger version of my parents old photo albums, when they were my age and I was five, sitting in lawn chairs drinking beer. The bar reminds me of a snowcone stand, painted light bright green like a taqueria, surrounded by sand and trailer park style lights.
John mumbles something about how it doesn't look the way you imagine a beach bar, but I like that. It's not a bar for tourists. I am designing a wild comic book world in my mind, with all the grit and cavalier-ness of this island. I am wearing a short blue button up dress that looks like a slutty Halloween flight attendant outfit. My bright pink bra is peeking out of it. The bartender clears away the tip jar. She is making me the best Pina Colada in the whole damn world, one-off style, in a blender. The island boys are eyeing me. They know something is up. John and Ryan look at each other. they look around. My drink is ready. Its way bigger than its plastic cup. It looks like a snowcone.

John finishes hooking the light to the battery pack. Its time. They're all watching to see what I will do.

"Rock and roll.." I announce to the crowd and shake off the dress. I hop up on to the bar, pink lingerie against green bar. John tests the light. I always pose, even for lighting tests. I'm laying on the bar like a pin up postcard, pretty drink in my hand. The light pops and flashes. I think in the imagination of the on lookers, we're shooting for Sports Illustrated. John shoots. Ryan shoots. Pop flash, buzz of the crowd. I'm zeroed in on the instructions they give, but the crowd is fueling me. Hold that pose. I tell Ryan to tape some. He does. I roll this way and the other, the way I imagine Gisele would.

Ryan orders two tequila shots. "This is the islands, we drink rum!" someone hazes him. "Oh we're being culturally insensitive!" I laugh. Ryan takes his shot. He tells me to wait. He like his tequila to hurt. No trimmings. He picks up the camera. I ick up the shot. Its hot. Shooting tequila in island heat is like a heat stroke. My chest burns. I am drinking that pina colada fast. I am using up every trick I have. I feel "alive, more alive, so alive." The light is dying.

"Get the Joe's Beach Bar in there!" says Joe as he walks by. Everyone is loving the excitement. So am I.

Then it ends, I'm off the bar, the dress is thrown on, the cameras hurriedly packed away. I am in the post storm calm now. I'm laid back, grinning and talking to the locals as the guys pack up the lights. But they rush me out like a drunk socialite from a club. I'm the hell out of Dodge before I know it, watching the party from the dark side of the beach, where I can see without being seen.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

regina spektor

Jupiter One sets up.. theyre opening forRegina Spektor at Stubbs.. and we're vip. :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Five minutes in the Virgin Islands and I'm already playing video games.


I flew into St. Thomas last night, and it was too late for the ferry to Water Island. SO I went down to Tickle's, a bar on the Crown Bay docks, to wait for a motorboat ride. While I was there some of the locals asked me to play Wii bowling so they'd have even teams. I took them up on it, because on the island there are no short waits. :) Wound up bowling a better game than I do in real life, and having a good time showing off for the bar crowd.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I'm going back to the Virgin Islands on Tuesday. I just found out.

I'm trying to pack, buy the stuff I need to buy for the trip, make sure my shifts are covered, work on a video for a contest, and get in my first article for Busy Gamer. The need to do so many things leaves me soaking in a pool of busy ineffectiveness. I can't decide what is most important, and some of the things I need to do are intertwined with each other. I'm having a focusing problem. Oh and I need to get my laptop updated, and clear out it's head a little before I go. And put a game on it. And find the gameboy, I've got a whole day of layovers each way.

And I don't have tommorrow off either.

And all the while I want to sew, and I want to draw.

I should find something and focus.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Star Wars inspired hair for Star Wars Fandays. :)

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Friday, October 23, 2009

This is one of those "what I'm doing right now that is probably too much information" posts.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Behind the scenes for a nerdy shoot..

So despite still hammering away at things the mainstream, agency approved way, I have also been recently interested in portraying my own essence in shoots and self promotion. And to that end, I've been doing some different shoots. In this video I'm setting up to shoot a camped out on the couch Nintendo marathon concept... basically what i did all the time when I lived by myself and playing games was a reclusive activity, as opposed to healing the hell out of Oldsalty in a team effort. :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

week in review..

On Thursday night I'm heading back towards "the smell of wet asphalt, gasoline, and fastfood," but I've (probably not accidentally) filled the week up until then. Yesterday I shot for portfolio most of the useable day, and tonight I have another shoot.

Yesterday's shoot was with Josh McCaghren, who is also a model actually. I am really hoping the pictures are as good as i imagine them to be. It seems like photographers who have been models have a nice attention to the details that matter to models, and he also managed to get me to full on laugh in some shots, despite the fact that I'm notorious for always choosing a serious expression if you let me pick. Turns out all it takes for me to crack up is a fake Brit accent. We did three different looks, the first clean, the second fashion, and the third grungey and involving smoking.

Tonight's shoot is a different sort. I'm not really trying to get anything the agency would be fond of , although I suppose its possible that it happens accidentally. We're going to try to capture a Rolling Stone cover look, and get some gamer themed stuff, and some sexy cool stuff for my self promotion project.

I also recently discovered that Victoria's Secret is having a model contest.. which is the first model contest I have ever heard about that made me say, "That's perfect for me!" Most contests i see i can't imagine myself actually winning, but this one.. well let's just put it this way, i've already storyboarded out my entry video.

In other news, I have restarted my affair with World of Warcraft. I think. Went back to healing, because its good to be a badass. But that's probably another blog entirely.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I've got a new article out for Charisma +2 (an online magazine written by hot girl gamers!) so here it is..
http://www.charismaplus2.com/magazine/OCTOBER09/spellborn.png

Monday, September 28, 2009

...make like Pamela Anderson and exploit myself!

As you may be able to tell from the panel over on the side of my blog, I am starting to sell myself! Or rather, merchandise myself. Zazzle is an awesome website for designing and selling things!

Mine is here: http://www.zazzle.com/rika_h

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Alice Delal hair for commitment-phobes!

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Backstage at Oscar Fierro



Backstage at an Oscar Fierro runway show before a Gloria Trevi concert.. and no, we did not actually get any Patron!

Diamonds at Envy

Olesya, Cheryl and I modeled diamonds from Diamond Doctor for an Envy Magazine party at Zaza. We played around alot in between...


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I think I just stuck my fingers in Jesus' nail marks..

Good things are happening. I don't want to go into too much detail, because I always feel that when I speak directly and try to describe things I'm excited about, it profanes them. I'm good at bitching in great detail. Not so strong on communicating happy thoughts.

But I am going to succeed now.

My friend Joey (he's made an appearance in at least one post on here I think) always used to tell me "It hasn't happened for you yet because you don't believe. You have to believe." And I would get irritated and think to myself "Shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're talking about. I believe! I belive!"

But then I had a moment the other day while on a job, when a different perspective was revealed to me, and I realized that I did believe in what was going to happen. All the sudden I did believe. It was like suddenly feeling the absense of pains you had gotten used to. I could feel that I really hadn't had faith before. not like this.

Now excuse me while I go tell myself "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough.. and gosh-darn it- people like me."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The point isn't to become a geisha- its to BE a geisha.

I fianally read Memoirs of a Geisha. I tend to have a knack for knowing what books to read at what time in order to read something that will speak to me right at that moment in time... I almost read this several years ago, but I'm glad I didn't. It has some interesting paralells to both my life modeling and my life working in bars that I wouldn't have appreciated before.

Both jobs are somewhat like Sayuri's experience in the book.. the always trying to look impeccable, the need to be a clever conversationalist at the bar- make everyone you talk to buy in to the romance of you, yet do it in a way that things never cross that line.. modelings need to know exactly how to present yourself and yet the imense dependancy on entities outside of yourself..
And my life is like the book in that you have to make intense sacrifices to get to point X, and you need to get to point X so that you can do thing B, but the whole point of doing thing B is to get to point A, which getting to point X takes you farther away from. And even then you want to get to point X, because you don't have any other choice that isnt a bit of a death.

I did feel bad for Nobu though.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

this is what i see.. right now as i am standing in the background of a commercial in the austin airport.

i love advertising! i need to shoot something like this.

Thursday, July 23, 2009



So a lucky thing happened to me- I got to shoot with Samantha Mastropolo. She does hair, makeup, styles the shoot, and does the shooting. So all I had to do was show up basically- which is really quite a nice change every once in awhile. And so far the pics I've gotten from her are awesome!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Did I mention.. that I see falcons everywhere? Well.. I do. Have for years.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I'm getting up at 6 tommorrow to make an insane drive to Louisiana for a casting... why am I still awake?

Monday, July 6, 2009


I almost forgot- I did get my new comp in. So here it is.
I haven't blogged in such a long time... I don't even know what to say.

My career is basically.. not doing anything to speak of. I don't really like to publicize my lack of success, but there's really no denying it. So if anybody out there has any ideas that might help, throw em at me. I am not sure what is the problem.. my book is a little weak, but it would seem that the best thing to improve it with would be actual work, which I cannot seem to find. I am not sure if Dallas is just ungodly lame or if there is something wrong with me that no one wants to tell me about.

I have started a project to fix my book as much as i can, and then once I have that a bit improved I suppose i will decide what to do next.

I am going to be going on a giant photoshoot roadtrip to Austin and whatever other places strike our fancy, with my buddy Roxanna and photographer Jensen Walker... to hopefully get some nice lifestyle and editorial type stuff for the book. I'm a bit excited about that.

Other than that, I am also trying to get in the best shape possible. Anything I can think of to do to help myself. I am trying not to get depressed about the whole thing, but it just seems I can't catch a break... I know that positiveness goes along way to attracting good things.. but it seems that getting excited about anything almost invariably leads to a disappointment for me. And not just a percieved disappointment because I build something up in my head- I mean that as soon as I am excited about something, it vanishes in a spiteful poof and doesn't happen at all.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Olesya and I in the wardrobe room at the Southwest commercial shoot.

i like to see the

i like to see the Dallas sky dulled down through amber colored lenses.

Shooting a commercial tommorrow

Tomorrow I am shooting a commercial. Actually I am doing a short film and then a commercial. But I'm pretty excited about the commercial.

I'd like to be doing modeling/acting stuff on a daily basis. I'd like to work at that everyday if I could. But I'm not to that point. So everytime I get ready to do something, I kind of go through a bit of a production to get myself in the frame of mind and I guess feel like I'm really doing this for real.. Now that i think about it, that's not that far off from the production my Dad makes when he's cooking supper.. but I digress.

If possible, I like to spend the night before something like this chilling a little bit. I don't drink.. I like to take a bit of a long shower and.. uh.. groom anything that needs it, redo my nails if I need to, cover myself in lotion..
I always make myself a sort of survival kit.. I put all the clothes or whatever i need to bring in there, I always have a nude thong and depending on what I'm doing, a nude strapless bra.. and some awesome Raspberry Sandalwood lotion, and bobby pins and hair bands... and usually bandaids (they're for taping nipples if you must know.) and whatever other beauty type projects I might need. Plus I like to have a magazine in there that I haven't read any of, and maybe the ipod. And always the camera.
Sometimes i like to put some protein bars in there too. i don't generally eat them all the time, just on long shoots and such.

I wonder if I could really do this everyday.. would i always go through this kind of ritual? Or would i just stay in prepared mode all the time. I guess I'll know eventually.

Tommorrow i also get to work with Olesya, my fellow Clutts Agency girl, and it seems, my frequent shooting partner. I think we get used together alot because we are similar enough in shape, but don't look alike. She's dark haired and European. You can see us at www.madelinewood.com.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Say it with pictures..

So I fianally got to shoot with two of my favorites at the same time- Anthony Chiang and Roxanna Redfoot. And I fianally got that smiley shot for Joe, my agent.












Ah this one reminds me of summers spent cruising Mason.. if you don't understand the comment you wouldn't get it if I explained either. :)









Wednesday, May 13, 2009

And now for a plug for a friend..

http://colanerimakeup.com/index.html

I just modeled for a makeup artists' course with Kristin Colaneri, and we're also going to be working on a horror film next week. She also has her own line of makeup- which is really good stuff! It's professional quality and the prices are not bad either!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Shooting "Shiver"


Today i shot a short student film with Laura Serrato. It was set in the 40's so we had some interesting vintage costumes and hairstyles. I don't want to spoil to much about it so I won't say much.. but here are some pictures I took while filming..













Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Beauty is the most useless of currencies. It can't be used to buy any of the things you actually want from it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Swamp Shoot

I guess when you do a mobile blog, you can't rotate the picture. I shot at Caddo lake yesterday with Walter Workman, and my buddy Roxanna Redfoot. (http://www.modelmayhem.com/761889 She's so cool and pretty and she has the coolest name!)

Here we are canoeing to where we need to be.. Not the most flattering picture, but it was hot and muggy and taken carelessly with a cell phone. Obviously we don't have actual shoot pictures yet.

There's lovely Roxanna!

Being out there got me to wishing that I was seeing it just to see it.. being out there shooting is not the same as being there just to experience it. And everytime I get to see some cool place, i miss Thom..because I wish I could see it with him.

It also got me to missing the way the Eleven Point River smells.. fresh cold springs and caves and sun.

shooting at caddo lake..

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Just found an online tearsheet from stuff I did forever ago.. http://www.321foto.com/availability.htm I'm going to say thats several pounds and several haircolors ago, lol.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Days of Tequila and Lillies

On Friday night after my show, Thom and our friend Joey (bartender at Vickery) and I made a desperate attempt to catch Hello Lover playing at Club Dada. One of my other friends/Vickery bartenders is in the band..

We ran across the park to the car and flew down 75 to Deep Ellum.. and then, anti-climatically, we parked and walked around looking for the club. We wandered past some sleeping street festival, past salsa clubs and dingy pizza place, past bums, through a landscape that should have probably belonged only to movies. We asked a whole cast of characters where it was, Joey even asked the same cop twice, but to no avail. Fortunately the cop was amused.

We fianally came through a crowd of mohawks and bondage pants and could see it on the other side. But we were five minutes too late, we'd missed the set. Sean was packing up when we got there. We did a couple of shots with him and my boss, who was also there.. i had a coke and Captain as well.. and somewhere between that and our fruitless search for the hottest chick in the bar, I lost track of at least some aspects of sobriety.

Record Hop went on, and the sound assaulted the tiny room with deafening fury. We stood up at the front and side of the stage, not really interacting with each other because the sound made communication rediculous. Everyone was alone with the music. I took a couple of snapshots with my camera.. my foot next to Thom's on the concrete floor, the singer blurring across the screen, a random crowd shot. Lost in the deafness of music, I made a note in my phone- "I hope I remember these snapshots- the last suck of a straw, the half hour of deafness.. the.. oblivion."

I can't remember the last time I could feel the poetry of my own life so intensely.. see the beauty in little pieces of things I see and do and the intricacies of the situations. To be sucking in air like it is something that you can't just get out of thin air. Maybe not since the days of running through a hardee's parking lot in the rain with a girl named Merry. Which is a story I must write soon..

Thom asked if everyone who works at Vickery is a starving artist. Maybe not precisely, but close. Working in a bar is really not a bad gig at all. It has its advantages.. and it offers eternal youth.

The last day of One Day Only..

I just got finished with The Best of One Day Only with Roverdramawerks. Its sort of a theatre festival, lots of short plays. Thats part of why I haven't written in awhile. I'm going to back track later and tell another story..

Friday, March 20, 2009

The body for radio?

Today I modeled on the radio. Seriously I did.

We came into the radio station, and wore outfits from Oscar Fierro's new "To Go" line so that they could see us as they talked about us. Every piece in the line is under 29.99, so that is pretty cool. Oscar Fierro is one of the few designers I have met that actually makes well made clothes at prices that real people can afford. Not that everything he does is inexpensive, but at least some of it is!

These are the looks I wore...



Wednesday, March 18, 2009

She's just not that into you.. and niether is she.. and niether is she..

Earlier this week I was at the bar with some friends. There was a guy there- not with my group of course- who seemed to be making the rounds trying to strike out with all the girls. Now right now you are thinking that I didn't mean to say "trying to strike out", because you are thinking that he was trying not to strike out. And at first I didn't think he was TRYING to strike out either, but later I couldn't think of any other goal he could have had.

He first approached Jessica, but failed to sway her trajectory- which was out the door to smoke. He approached me, but aborted the mission when I greeted a fairly imposing looking guy. (Who ironically was my boss, but if it works, it works.)

Then later I noticed that Alaina was missing. Eventually we located her at the bar. Thom commented that he was not going to disturb her since she was talking to a dude.. yeah, it was THAT dude. She looked like she wanted rescued, so I rescued her.

Later, I went up to the bar with Alaina again to grab a drink. The afore mentioned dude walks straight up to us and says unceremoniously: "So I'm having a nice conversation with her, and then you come up, and it's like you're rescuing her or something!" I looked at her, she looked at me.. neither of us really had much to say to that.

I said something on the lines of "Oh its just I came here to hang out with my girls, so I figured I'd go find the girls I came to hang out with.." not wanting to be a total jackass.

He wouldn't have a placating response though and cut me off before the sentance was really out of my mouth. "Oh, so you're all like a bunch of deer or something then? One of you runs off and you all start freaking out?!" he said. He did a fairly offensive imitation of presumeably, doe-eyed me, looking around in a panic.

Now I think the situation now called for jackassness, but I wasn't just at any bar, i was at my bar, and didn't want to be a dick, and furthermore it was almost like being on candid camera.. a little too funny to really get mad.

'Actually i like to think of myself as a sheep dog.. " I said non-chalantly.

He turned to Alaina..

"So I get the feeling she thinks I was bothering you? Was i bothering you?" he demanded.

Alaina looked around as if looking for a way to not be either rude or a liar. He kept demanding for a second, until she threw up her hands and said- "Yeah, dude, you were kinda going there!" like a laidback stoner pushed to the edge.

Now you'd think that the conversation would have ended. it didn't. In fact it didn't end until we made some sort of casual reference to cutting off balls.

I'm not even sure how to end this story. If you didn't figure out the moral of it by now, you probably won't ever figure it out.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What you missed while you were in the bathroom...

I don't even know where to start. I can't even wrap my head around all the stuff I've been up to.

Did a shoot for www.scandicouture.com.. a jewelry line.

I'm a "Godess of Gaming for Southwestern gaming Expo.. www.swge.com

I got a new day job, Marketing Manager for Vickery Park Plano.. a food n drinkin place. :) I was bored when I got it, and once I had it, everyone wanted me.

Did a couple of portfolio shoots here and there.

Modeled for Corey Lynn Calter at FIG in Dallas.. wish I had pictures!

I'm doing "The Best of One Day Only" with Roverdramawerks in Plano.. first weekend in April!

I've been pissed off, excited, exhausted, bored, frustrated, manic, sarchastic, and a few other things alternatingly, since I last wrote. I know its best when I isolate the small things and write about them, but sometimes I've just got to spit out basically the parts of the movie that you missed while you were taking a piss so you can get on with watching the rest of it, cause it won't stop for you.

I'm going home again the 24th, just for 2 days, to see my youngest sister's new baby, see how much my oldest sister's baby grew, and see my other sister while she's on leave from the army.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Stream.

I'd like to take a moment to say something about Scott Stream. He was killed earlier this week in Afghanistan. The Chicago Tribune posted a letter written by him, you can read it here... http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-090226soldier-letter,0,7802298.story

This is how I remember Scott.. He was friendly as hell, and he loved to talk. He had alot of opinions and observations on alot of different topics. I was always glad to see him places because if he was there you never had to worry about not having someone to talk to. He seemed to say nearly everything that came into his head, and if he didn't, that dude sure had ALOT of stuff going on in his head.

He was always willing to help you out however he could, whether it was working on the house, blowing up an unwanted tree, or introducing you to hot Neoga chicks.. and he was the best damn Dungeons and Dragons dungeon master that ever lived. He was a self-proclaimed fan of the artwork of God. He made me read Carlos Casteneda, but I must admit I found Scott telling me about it to be more interesting than reading it myself- although he never would tell me what wind I was. His assessments of people were often right on, I laughed when he had Thom pegged, but was irritated when he was right about me. He could speak with the same kind of color and imagery that he wrote with, but sadly, he was not very good at cooking squirrel.

http://www.news-gazette.com/news/local/2009/02/27/sergeant_from_mattoon_dies_in

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Acting classes for scumbags..

I've bombed alot of acting auditions lately. Well, I think its unfair to say that I've bombed all of them. Sometimes you just don't get picked because you're taller than the male lead, or they really wanted somebody with more freckles, or you can't play the smart ass friend because the love interest isn't prettier than you.. but i digress.

I need acting lessons. Or somebody to just give me a chance because I know I was good once, and I think I still am but its just that my resume sucks because I haven't done much in awhile.

But I can't afford to expend money on doing the accepted next step and taking acting classes, and I can't afford to spend the time on doing community theatre because I have to spend that time trying to make money.

But I keep going to these auditions. And I keep watching everyone else who competes against me, all the people who already know each other because they all worked on some commercial, all the people who think this is old hat, all the people who absolutely love working with whats-his-face he is so inovative and his work is really a big deal and he's only moderately odd for someone so smart. And eventually I'm going to know all thier tricks, and I'm going to go to the audition that has been waiting for someone like be to walk through that door. I just try not to think about what is going to happen afterwards, whether they are going to call me or not, the potential rejection, and just think about being there and what can I notice and remember. Its like a mini actors' workshop. I love the ones where everyone auditions to the room the most.

I don't know that I have done anything that I have done using the step-by-step, textbook method that they tell you is the way to do it. But I get it done. I'll write a book about it someday.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

the centerless universe




Everything I keep trying to write profanes what I think and sounds pompous so I'll just say it with a drive down 1700th near Elliotstown IL and leave it at that.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

towards brighter stars..

We're getting ready to leave tonight for home- Southern Illinois, cornfields and brighter stars than here..
There's something relaxing about being home in Effingham County. Like the weight of who I became later is lifted off of me and its easy to be there.. I'm not going to give you some cliche line of crap that it is simpler there, because even after everywhere I've been since, I'm here to tell you that its not, and that line of thought is so patronizing.. But being in the place you came from, you don't have to think twice about anything, you just react and know you know the right answers.
So I put my nose ring in, and put a funky, non-photoshoot appropriate paint job on my nails (reverse french with OPI Tickle My Francey and My Private Jet) and defy even the Salmonella I picked up yesterday to keep me from getting home.
I'm looking forward to seeing my sister's baby, of course. And to the little things like El Rancherito mexican food- can't get anything like it in TX, ironically, maybe bumming around town with my mom, letting everything we do take forever and not caring, an appearance at Ichabod's, just to see who I see... And we've got a wedding to go to in C-Dale, should see alot of people there that I haven't for awhile.
And it'll be nice to drive alone on a two lane highway, under cold sky and bright stars.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Lucky Seven Eleven


I recently discovered that Seven 11's have fruit bowls. And they are (usually) awesome.. although sometimes you have to check and make sure it doesn't look three days old.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I now interupt my usual patter for an announcement.

My older sister had her baby on Jan. 20th. It's a boy- my first nephew. I don't have any nieces either for the record. It is wierd to think of her being somebody's mom. Not because she wouldn't be good at it.. just because.. I don't know.

It is wierd too because I am not there with the rest of my family back in IL. I guess I always pictured leaving the Cornfields (that never owned us anyway.. our fields were oil) and being gone. But at the same time I guess I pictured being there somehow when all this came to be. And the two things contradict each other.

I can't really quite wrap my head around the whole feeling and in a way I think it would degrade it to try to write about it in too much detail. My narration diefies the details. But it profanes the really intense I am afraid. When I am too direct it does any way.

So that is all.

Monday, January 19, 2009

always quoting shit

"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know," -Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

Thursday, January 15, 2009

boredum, frustration, hope, ambition

I feel I should write something. But I feel too restless to write out any of the really good ideas I have right now. I am getting antsy.

December and so far, january, has been really slow. I have been improving my portfolio though, but i haven't been improving my bank account or my resume much. And I am starting to get this kind of restless/helpless feeling that I want to do something but can't make it happen. I guess its always slow this time of year.

I have started toying with the idea of becoming obsessed with wanting to work overseas. I've heard Hong kong is nice. Or Tokyo. Or Milan.. or lots of other places. Once again, not something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.. but i'm looking into it.

I've been feeling stagnant. I guess part of me gets frustrated because the only things I can put effort into right now I can't see immediate results for. Like working out. And even if I was the most toned person in the world tommorrow, I'd still probably be frustrated that the world hadn't noticed. And the other part of me just can't understand why I'm not famous yet. :)

But.. I've been doing everything I can and keeping my eyes open. And I've got a few irons in the fire that I'm hoping will pan out soon. So theres a bit of hope in the back of my head but I don't count on anything that isn't happening right now. I think i might have something or another more interesting to write about than this soon. I hope.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Filmore Pub

I've always had this kind of fantasy about what it would be like to hang out at the local pub. And by pub I mean pub in the sense that pubs exist in my fantasies of England and Ireland. I am trying to think of a movie that has a pub in it that is just like the pub in my fantasy... I am drawing a blank right now though. I guess sort of a combination of the pubs in Green Street Houligans, Dear Frankie, and The Quiet Man.

But I have never really lived anywhere where there was a pub that satified my expectations. Callahan's in Carbondale called itself a pub I think, but it lacked something that was neccesary for true pub-ness in my opinion. I think I may have found the pub of my fantasies in Plano, TX.. The Filmore Pub on 15th.

Its' qualifications include.. a laid-back atmosphere, a good selection of drinks, a good selection of food.. (they even have stuff that isn't fried) .. it is in an old looking part of town so it has that right kind of atmosphere when you go stand outside to smoke.. and the interior looks like what a pub looks like in my imagination. It isn't overwhelmed with too loud music, or covered in sports bullshit. The only thing missing is people with Irish accents, but you can't win em all.

My friend/ex-boss jessica can be credited with turning me on to The Filmore.. she's also just the kind of person i imagined would hang oout in a pub. We went there tonight, with a couple other friends, and I only had one alcoholic drink and didn't totally give healthy eating the finger, and I still had a good time!

So now I am thinking about how cool it will be to say things like, "I'm just goin' down to the pub.." or answering the phone: "We're at the pub.." I imagine myself saying these things with an Irish accent of course. I can't say them outloud though.. because of the poor quality of my fake Irish accent.

But I've found my pub. All is right with the world.

Monday, January 5, 2009