I now interupt my usual patter for an announcement.
My older sister had her baby on Jan. 20th. It's a boy- my first nephew. I don't have any nieces either for the record. It is wierd to think of her being somebody's mom. Not because she wouldn't be good at it.. just because.. I don't know.
It is wierd too because I am not there with the rest of my family back in IL. I guess I always pictured leaving the Cornfields (that never owned us anyway.. our fields were oil) and being gone. But at the same time I guess I pictured being there somehow when all this came to be. And the two things contradict each other.
I can't really quite wrap my head around the whole feeling and in a way I think it would degrade it to try to write about it in too much detail. My narration diefies the details. But it profanes the really intense I am afraid. When I am too direct it does any way.
So that is all.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
always quoting shit
"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know," -Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray
Thursday, January 15, 2009
boredum, frustration, hope, ambition
I feel I should write something. But I feel too restless to write out any of the really good ideas I have right now. I am getting antsy.
December and so far, january, has been really slow. I have been improving my portfolio though, but i haven't been improving my bank account or my resume much. And I am starting to get this kind of restless/helpless feeling that I want to do something but can't make it happen. I guess its always slow this time of year.
I have started toying with the idea of becoming obsessed with wanting to work overseas. I've heard Hong kong is nice. Or Tokyo. Or Milan.. or lots of other places. Once again, not something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.. but i'm looking into it.
I've been feeling stagnant. I guess part of me gets frustrated because the only things I can put effort into right now I can't see immediate results for. Like working out. And even if I was the most toned person in the world tommorrow, I'd still probably be frustrated that the world hadn't noticed. And the other part of me just can't understand why I'm not famous yet. :)
But.. I've been doing everything I can and keeping my eyes open. And I've got a few irons in the fire that I'm hoping will pan out soon. So theres a bit of hope in the back of my head but I don't count on anything that isn't happening right now. I think i might have something or another more interesting to write about than this soon. I hope.
December and so far, january, has been really slow. I have been improving my portfolio though, but i haven't been improving my bank account or my resume much. And I am starting to get this kind of restless/helpless feeling that I want to do something but can't make it happen. I guess its always slow this time of year.
I have started toying with the idea of becoming obsessed with wanting to work overseas. I've heard Hong kong is nice. Or Tokyo. Or Milan.. or lots of other places. Once again, not something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.. but i'm looking into it.
I've been feeling stagnant. I guess part of me gets frustrated because the only things I can put effort into right now I can't see immediate results for. Like working out. And even if I was the most toned person in the world tommorrow, I'd still probably be frustrated that the world hadn't noticed. And the other part of me just can't understand why I'm not famous yet. :)
But.. I've been doing everything I can and keeping my eyes open. And I've got a few irons in the fire that I'm hoping will pan out soon. So theres a bit of hope in the back of my head but I don't count on anything that isn't happening right now. I think i might have something or another more interesting to write about than this soon. I hope.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Filmore Pub
I've always had this kind of fantasy about what it would be like to hang out at the local pub. And by pub I mean pub in the sense that pubs exist in my fantasies of England and Ireland. I am trying to think of a movie that has a pub in it that is just like the pub in my fantasy... I am drawing a blank right now though. I guess sort of a combination of the pubs in Green Street Houligans, Dear Frankie, and The Quiet Man.
But I have never really lived anywhere where there was a pub that satified my expectations. Callahan's in Carbondale called itself a pub I think, but it lacked something that was neccesary for true pub-ness in my opinion. I think I may have found the pub of my fantasies in Plano, TX.. The Filmore Pub on 15th.
Its' qualifications include.. a laid-back atmosphere, a good selection of drinks, a good selection of food.. (they even have stuff that isn't fried) .. it is in an old looking part of town so it has that right kind of atmosphere when you go stand outside to smoke.. and the interior looks like what a pub looks like in my imagination. It isn't overwhelmed with too loud music, or covered in sports bullshit. The only thing missing is people with Irish accents, but you can't win em all.
My friend/ex-boss jessica can be credited with turning me on to The Filmore.. she's also just the kind of person i imagined would hang oout in a pub. We went there tonight, with a couple other friends, and I only had one alcoholic drink and didn't totally give healthy eating the finger, and I still had a good time!
So now I am thinking about how cool it will be to say things like, "I'm just goin' down to the pub.." or answering the phone: "We're at the pub.." I imagine myself saying these things with an Irish accent of course. I can't say them outloud though.. because of the poor quality of my fake Irish accent.
But I've found my pub. All is right with the world.
But I have never really lived anywhere where there was a pub that satified my expectations. Callahan's in Carbondale called itself a pub I think, but it lacked something that was neccesary for true pub-ness in my opinion. I think I may have found the pub of my fantasies in Plano, TX.. The Filmore Pub on 15th.
Its' qualifications include.. a laid-back atmosphere, a good selection of drinks, a good selection of food.. (they even have stuff that isn't fried) .. it is in an old looking part of town so it has that right kind of atmosphere when you go stand outside to smoke.. and the interior looks like what a pub looks like in my imagination. It isn't overwhelmed with too loud music, or covered in sports bullshit. The only thing missing is people with Irish accents, but you can't win em all.
My friend/ex-boss jessica can be credited with turning me on to The Filmore.. she's also just the kind of person i imagined would hang oout in a pub. We went there tonight, with a couple other friends, and I only had one alcoholic drink and didn't totally give healthy eating the finger, and I still had a good time!
So now I am thinking about how cool it will be to say things like, "I'm just goin' down to the pub.." or answering the phone: "We're at the pub.." I imagine myself saying these things with an Irish accent of course. I can't say them outloud though.. because of the poor quality of my fake Irish accent.
But I've found my pub. All is right with the world.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
Really cool vintage glasses/Really bad myspace-y pictures
As I said before, I got some cool vintage glasses whilst hanging out with Dad the other day. Which ones do you like better?
(Ah the joys of taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror!)Monday, December 22, 2008
life and documenting it- a dilemma
As I said in one of my early blogs, I grew up always taking pictures with my siblings, esp. my oldest sister who was photography obsessed. My whole family has a different approach to taking pictures than most I think. The only person in my family who will shy away from having a picture taken is Mom, and she is almost comfortable with it too these days.
My oldest sister and i have a saying- "You know you had fun if you've got the pictures to prove it." And sometimes the best times we have are taking pictures. And long ago I scrawled a line in my little notebook and remembered it always- "..caught between life and documenting it." It seems sometimes we are more concerned with documenting the experience than experiencing it.
And why I am telling you this now will be aparent at the end of this post.
My dad picked me up at the airport when I got back from NY/NJ. A bit of backstory- I left Illinois in May, and hadn't seen him since then. He had come to Texas, to San Angelo, almost a month ago, to work with my uncle who lives there. Since San Angelo is pretty far from here, we still hadn't seen each other. He fell off of a little cliff down here and got hurt, and then couldn't leave until the doctor decided he didn't need to get the cut in his throat worked on. So then he fianally got to head towards home as I was coming back. He told my mom he didn't recognize me in the airport- I was still in photoshoot hair and makeup.
He was here for a night, and then a day, and then left the next morning. We went out to Mckinney, because the traffic in Dallas makes him discombobulated. He thinks its going to get me killed I think.
It was so cold that day we couldn't do much. We tried to walk around downtown Mckinney a bit, but whenever you came out from a place where a building blocked the wind, the wind was brutal. We went to the Mom and Popcorn Shop, and bought candy, which I probably shouldn't have had. But oh well. And then Dad said "Well, antique shops are used to people coming in and not buying anything," and so we decided to hang around the antique shops to keep warm.
We made fun of some of them for selling absolute crap, and we looked for poisonous ingredients on bottles of old food and medicine. The last one we went in we spent the most time in. it was huge, but unfortunately the top floor had such a low ceiling that dad couldn't come anywhere near standing up up there. (He's like 6'6" i think?)
They had a ton of really cool old sunglasses and some badass 70's shoes and such. We looked and looked at the sunglasses, but unfortunately all the ones with the really cool green lenses were prescription. But I did get some without green lenses.
Later we went to finish my Christmas shopping so he could bring all the gifts back with him.
The next morning I woke up and found that he was gone. I thought, "He didn't even say goodbye, that bastard." And that would have been par for the course with Dad. He seems to hate saying goodbye. He rarely even says it on the phone. I've always wondered if it goes back tohis tragic childhood, but that's another story.
I stood there slightly dumbfounded, looking for some evidence that he hadn't really left but there was none. I walked through the living room a few times, looking for something that wasn't there and it struck me sickeningly that I hadn't even taken any pictures. I woke Thom up and said, "i think my dad just up and left." "Are you fuckin' serious?" he said.
But it turned out not to be so. He'd just loaded everything in the old VW Fox and went for coffee. And when he came back, I did snap just two bad pictures in the living room, where i'm not even out of my pajamas. The real me. Not the character I play. A rarity in photos these days.
And it struck me, that it is not often that I am living so intently in the moment that I forget to document it. And I don't know what to make of that.
My oldest sister and i have a saying- "You know you had fun if you've got the pictures to prove it." And sometimes the best times we have are taking pictures. And long ago I scrawled a line in my little notebook and remembered it always- "..caught between life and documenting it." It seems sometimes we are more concerned with documenting the experience than experiencing it.
And why I am telling you this now will be aparent at the end of this post.
My dad picked me up at the airport when I got back from NY/NJ. A bit of backstory- I left Illinois in May, and hadn't seen him since then. He had come to Texas, to San Angelo, almost a month ago, to work with my uncle who lives there. Since San Angelo is pretty far from here, we still hadn't seen each other. He fell off of a little cliff down here and got hurt, and then couldn't leave until the doctor decided he didn't need to get the cut in his throat worked on. So then he fianally got to head towards home as I was coming back. He told my mom he didn't recognize me in the airport- I was still in photoshoot hair and makeup.
He was here for a night, and then a day, and then left the next morning. We went out to Mckinney, because the traffic in Dallas makes him discombobulated. He thinks its going to get me killed I think.
It was so cold that day we couldn't do much. We tried to walk around downtown Mckinney a bit, but whenever you came out from a place where a building blocked the wind, the wind was brutal. We went to the Mom and Popcorn Shop, and bought candy, which I probably shouldn't have had. But oh well. And then Dad said "Well, antique shops are used to people coming in and not buying anything," and so we decided to hang around the antique shops to keep warm.
We made fun of some of them for selling absolute crap, and we looked for poisonous ingredients on bottles of old food and medicine. The last one we went in we spent the most time in. it was huge, but unfortunately the top floor had such a low ceiling that dad couldn't come anywhere near standing up up there. (He's like 6'6" i think?)
They had a ton of really cool old sunglasses and some badass 70's shoes and such. We looked and looked at the sunglasses, but unfortunately all the ones with the really cool green lenses were prescription. But I did get some without green lenses.
Later we went to finish my Christmas shopping so he could bring all the gifts back with him.
The next morning I woke up and found that he was gone. I thought, "He didn't even say goodbye, that bastard." And that would have been par for the course with Dad. He seems to hate saying goodbye. He rarely even says it on the phone. I've always wondered if it goes back tohis tragic childhood, but that's another story.
I stood there slightly dumbfounded, looking for some evidence that he hadn't really left but there was none. I walked through the living room a few times, looking for something that wasn't there and it struck me sickeningly that I hadn't even taken any pictures. I woke Thom up and said, "i think my dad just up and left." "Are you fuckin' serious?" he said.
But it turned out not to be so. He'd just loaded everything in the old VW Fox and went for coffee. And when he came back, I did snap just two bad pictures in the living room, where i'm not even out of my pajamas. The real me. Not the character I play. A rarity in photos these days.
And it struck me, that it is not often that I am living so intently in the moment that I forget to document it. And I don't know what to make of that.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Putting alot of miles on the plaid coat..nah this isn't about that at all.
I have been trying to piece together a blog in my head about NJ/NY, and I find I really can't without omiting things or being really long winded. And so I'm going to shut the hell up and do a photo blog.. pictures by me and the point-and-shoot unless noted...
Juicy Couture window... Where can I get a blue greyhound?
Louie V. architecture..
Being cool- its what I do. Photo by Mark Thomason.
Commercialism Wow!
It's hard to be this cool in this many laayers of winter clothes.
Photo by mark Thomason.
Feelin just a bit like Courtney Love in a self taken picture in hair n makeup from one shoot.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My own little version of carrying my own towel.
The Hitchhiker's Guide recommends that you always carry your own towel. I think there is a bit of wisdom in this. I actually have a blankie, however. And right now I'm glad that I do. I misinterpreted the DFW airport as the sort of place that never slept, and since no one could bring me to the airport in the morning, I went at night.
But no one is working at my gate, so I am stuck in the baggage claim/entrance limbo area. And its cold here. And who knows how long I'll be waiting here. And on an aside, I'm starving and there are only drink vending machines and I think my food diary today (or lack of anything to write down) would impress the hell out of you. But I did find the only outlet in the world and I paid TMobile six bucks for a day of internet, so now- an ode to a fuzzy blankie:
I first got the idea at Back to the Ranch, when there were not enough sheets and blankets to go around and I got stuck sleeping on the floor with a sheet. That night, and the nights following it, I vowed that a blanket was the awesomest thing possible to own and soon I'd have one strictly for traveling.
So I got one. At TJMAxx or Ross. Its kind of brown/grey, almost like our Toyota, but a touch browner. And its sort of a furry velvety chenile. I brought it to the Virgin Islands, and it saved me from total misery on the flights, and was wadded up into a nice ball of a pillow while I was there. I also had it in San Antonio the next weekend, but it didn't get much action. But still. It was there, ever vigilant, in case I needed some warmth, or comfort, or a makeshift photo backdrop, or possibly even a non-traditional garment.
And now here I am, wrapped up in it on the airport floor, likely to go to sleep at any minute. I just hope I don't resort to eating it tonight.
Let it not be said that I am afraid to post unflattering pictures of myself.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Food, Glorious Food! Glorious Food! Or the lack of it..
I think I am making pretty good progress on my getting in shape/skinnier. I haven't really lost any weight, pounds wise, and I so far really haven't lost much off of my main measurements, but my stomach looks alot flatter, and my legs are firmer. Not a dramatic change, but its a start. I did lose half an inch off of my thigh measurement.
So I know, I know, you're reading this going WTF crazy things is this already basically thin chick doing to try to lose weight? So here is a real life confession..
I have been working out twice a day if possible. Generally I do anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour on the treadmill, and weights, and possibly a little bike or eliptical. And squats and such around the house.
And I have been majorly watching what I eat. And keeping track of it. And in the interest of confession, here is a typical day. I am not saying this is the healthiest way to eat, I'm not recommending you eat this way, and I won't keep going like this forever- but for strictly anthropological documentation purposes, here it is:
On Mon Dec 8th I ate:
10 am- bloody Mary with no alcohol, (Virgin mary?) lots of celery
1 pm- instant coffee, a few mini rice cakes, a few craisins
4 pm- a few wedding style after dinner mints
4:30 Starbucks coffee, sugar free syrup (I was waiting for my car to be fixed)
7:45 wheat french bread pizza- I'd estimate about 5 inches of the bread, with pizza sauce, tomatos, and a tiny tiny bit of feta cheese on it
8 pm a few craisins
11:30 brown rice, lettuce, tomatoes and taco chicken with green salsa. It wasn't very good.
I probably had a few more craisins before bed.
Today I am taking sort of a cheat day. It is stressful to keep going thinking this hard about it for weeks on end. So in my estimation, today I had.. coffee with splenda, fresco burrito supreme no beans from taco bell, fruit and yogurt parfait, craisins, 100 cal of popcorn, light yogurt, some rice cakes, and a sugar free jello. I'll prob eat something kind of "normal' if I'm feeling wild.
And my final thought... Yes it is a sacrifice. Alot of people probably wouldn't agree with me trying to lose any fat/weight at all, but I don't really have an issue with it. Its just what I have to do for the job. And although its a pain in the ass, it really is advantageous to me that I have to be really skinny to model. I know that if i'm disciplined and work hard, I can do it. Not everyone can. And it is what I can do that not everyone can that I can get paid for.
Furthermore, when I worked at Denny's, i had to work the smoking section. Was it healthy? No. But you've got to make a living.
So I know, I know, you're reading this going WTF crazy things is this already basically thin chick doing to try to lose weight? So here is a real life confession..
I have been working out twice a day if possible. Generally I do anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour on the treadmill, and weights, and possibly a little bike or eliptical. And squats and such around the house.
And I have been majorly watching what I eat. And keeping track of it. And in the interest of confession, here is a typical day. I am not saying this is the healthiest way to eat, I'm not recommending you eat this way, and I won't keep going like this forever- but for strictly anthropological documentation purposes, here it is:
On Mon Dec 8th I ate:
10 am- bloody Mary with no alcohol, (Virgin mary?) lots of celery
1 pm- instant coffee, a few mini rice cakes, a few craisins
4 pm- a few wedding style after dinner mints
4:30 Starbucks coffee, sugar free syrup (I was waiting for my car to be fixed)
7:45 wheat french bread pizza- I'd estimate about 5 inches of the bread, with pizza sauce, tomatos, and a tiny tiny bit of feta cheese on it
8 pm a few craisins
11:30 brown rice, lettuce, tomatoes and taco chicken with green salsa. It wasn't very good.
I probably had a few more craisins before bed.
Today I am taking sort of a cheat day. It is stressful to keep going thinking this hard about it for weeks on end. So in my estimation, today I had.. coffee with splenda, fresco burrito supreme no beans from taco bell, fruit and yogurt parfait, craisins, 100 cal of popcorn, light yogurt, some rice cakes, and a sugar free jello. I'll prob eat something kind of "normal' if I'm feeling wild.
And my final thought... Yes it is a sacrifice. Alot of people probably wouldn't agree with me trying to lose any fat/weight at all, but I don't really have an issue with it. Its just what I have to do for the job. And although its a pain in the ass, it really is advantageous to me that I have to be really skinny to model. I know that if i'm disciplined and work hard, I can do it. Not everyone can. And it is what I can do that not everyone can that I can get paid for.
Furthermore, when I worked at Denny's, i had to work the smoking section. Was it healthy? No. But you've got to make a living.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Working on New Goals
It's been awhile since I have written. I have been trying to do more strictly fashion test shoots, and trying to get in ridiculous, Heidi Klum-esque shape. For the record, the agency never used the words "lose weight" with me, they told me my legs and belly needed some toning, and they were right. But, I know the score, and I know what I am competing with, and I am trying to lose a little. For better or worse, that is what I need to do to be marketed as a fashion model. But maybe I'll do a blog strictly on that later.
I did two shoots on Saturday. one I got pictures back from already. So here are a few. These were with Manuel Crespo, and the lovely makeup artist Michelle Rodgers.
More of Manuel"s stuff- http://www.modelmayhem.com/665902
More of Michelle's- http://www.modelmayhem.com/674102
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Mostly makeup, clothes, and a little food.
I'm in a good mood for no particular reason so I thought I'd pay tribute to some products/things that actually do what they are supposed to.. Without further delay.. Things that make me happy:
-Smashbox Color Correcting Primer. I use the purple one. I didn't think purple face stuff sounded like a good idea, but I got convinced. It feels like velvet coating for your face and helps ease my chronic greasiness.
-Wearing only powder makeup with my Smashbox primer. I'm using some sort of Red Earth mineral stuff right now, buffed in thoroughly with a good brush. This is what I'm using in most of my Tim Bennett pics and in the recent Marcus Lopez shoot.
-Expensive makeup in general. It really is better. The pigment is better, and the lip gloss stays on better with less sticky feel.
-That said- Loreal Colour Riche lipgloss. "A Lighter Shade of Hope" limited edition is my current favorite, even if they did use Scarlette Johanasson to advertise it.
-Celestial Seasonings Sugar Plum Spice Tea. It's at Big Lots right now, LOL. While I'm on the Subject, Big Lots makes me happy. I expect/hope that this will always be the case, even when I'm filthy rich...
-Calvin Klien lingerie. They actually come in 32D.. but I'm down to a C now so I don't need that anymore. They use good fabric, and designs which aren't cheesy sexy, but aren't dumpy-practical looking either. And they're comfortable.
-Healthy Sexy Hair Pumpkin potion leave in Conditioner.
-Harrison Funk is a ray of f-in sunshine!
-Perfumes from Victoria's Secret smell like Christmas/winter to me.. thier smells somehow hang in the air and are recognizible yet not overpowering. Except for Rapture. I hate Rapture. Very Sexy smells like excitement and new possibilities, Love Spell smells like... good things but too many people wear it for me to wear it, Dream Angels Heavenly smells like my friend Sara... :) Supermodel smells good enough to make up for having a cheesy name, and that is the next fragrance I want to aquire. And Body by Victoria smells like cleanliness and sensibility.
-Chip and Pepper's line for JCPenney. Too bad I bought the pair I have when I was tubbier than I am now.
-Smashbox Color Correcting Primer. I use the purple one. I didn't think purple face stuff sounded like a good idea, but I got convinced. It feels like velvet coating for your face and helps ease my chronic greasiness.
-Wearing only powder makeup with my Smashbox primer. I'm using some sort of Red Earth mineral stuff right now, buffed in thoroughly with a good brush. This is what I'm using in most of my Tim Bennett pics and in the recent Marcus Lopez shoot.
-Expensive makeup in general. It really is better. The pigment is better, and the lip gloss stays on better with less sticky feel.
-That said- Loreal Colour Riche lipgloss. "A Lighter Shade of Hope" limited edition is my current favorite, even if they did use Scarlette Johanasson to advertise it.
-Celestial Seasonings Sugar Plum Spice Tea. It's at Big Lots right now, LOL. While I'm on the Subject, Big Lots makes me happy. I expect/hope that this will always be the case, even when I'm filthy rich...
-Calvin Klien lingerie. They actually come in 32D.. but I'm down to a C now so I don't need that anymore. They use good fabric, and designs which aren't cheesy sexy, but aren't dumpy-practical looking either. And they're comfortable.
-Healthy Sexy Hair Pumpkin potion leave in Conditioner.
-Harrison Funk is a ray of f-in sunshine!
-Perfumes from Victoria's Secret smell like Christmas/winter to me.. thier smells somehow hang in the air and are recognizible yet not overpowering. Except for Rapture. I hate Rapture. Very Sexy smells like excitement and new possibilities, Love Spell smells like... good things but too many people wear it for me to wear it, Dream Angels Heavenly smells like my friend Sara... :) Supermodel smells good enough to make up for having a cheesy name, and that is the next fragrance I want to aquire. And Body by Victoria smells like cleanliness and sensibility.
-Chip and Pepper's line for JCPenney. Too bad I bought the pair I have when I was tubbier than I am now.
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