Rika Confesses to Almost All of It

SpyCam Barcelona - now with Wordpress.

2011-12-30T20:13:00.000-06:00

I am experimenting with switching to Wordpress. I think I'll keep posting the posts here too for awhile.. but right now I'm too lazy to format the post again.

So, just so ya know, its a post about pictures I take of people I don't know.

See the rest of the post at.. http://rikaconfesses.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/spycam-barcelona-part-1/

Vinyl Thoughts Toy Art Show - Video

2011-09-20T01:05:00.000-05:00

Cooking, Eating, and Vickery - the Day the Summer Broke

2011-09-05T17:06:00.001-05:00

Sushi Sake

2011-08-27T16:55:00.001-05:00

Sushi Sake.. hidden just off of Campbell Road.

Through the OTHER side of the Looking Glass..

2011-07-19T16:08:00.000-05:00

Ive got something to say.
After all this time i thought of something.

I had an epiphany the other day, in Half Price Books.

When I first got seriously into modeling, and began to have some degree of success, I thought to myself "i cant believe I'm doing this/seeing this/cant believe I'm here." I thought that I was finally doing something interesting, finally had a world that someone would want to look into. And so I should move from obsessively documenting the things that pass me by in notebooks to obsessively displaying it in blogs. because its interesting. People want to read this. Live vicariously.

Well, the other day I went to the fashion section of Half Price Books, looking really for this Japanese street fashion book that I can't think of the name of, or at least something visually inspiring. But all they really had was a handful of books about models, certain models, or models in general. Things with titles like "Model: Life Behind the Lens".

And I involuntarily though something to the effect of, "How boring."

It caught me off guard, that thought. I remembered that I used to be one of them, I used to attempt to create exactly this kind of media. I used to think these things were interesting, right? It hit me.. I don't think I ever did think the soulless documentation of models because they are models was interesting, in and of itself. I thought it was interesting because I was trying to do it, and trying to find a way to sell it, so I looked for examples.

"Its only really interesting to the people who would rather be there instead of you."

Its funny how much I've changed, how much I don't even wish for the thing that not so long ago I hated giving up. I see girls I know who are still doing it, and I don't feel a wistfulness about it anymore, I think, if anything, I almost feel a relief when I see facebook posts - back and forth, telling industry people how great they are, using the vocabulary of friends just a little over-zealously to put in place a relationship that does not yet exist but is desired. I'm glad it isn't me, that I don't have to do that anymore.

A little caveat: I am not saying that I look down on modeling, or find everything about it boring. Only that at one time, I thought it was enough to make a story interesting and now I think it isn't enough. There are some people who can tell the story of their lives modeling with a vision that makes it interesting - there's at least one on my blog roll. This is more an arraignment of myself and the particular way I bought into it than anything else.

Critical Analysis of Self Projection.

2011-06-07T01:12:00.000-05:00

So here is a confession. Yesterday, I went out and took pictures for my envisioned revitalization of this blog. Right now, I'm not sure what the fate of this blog will be. I want to finally do a blogging project that doesn't fall short of its potential.. and one that I commit to enough to see it to the fullest extent. Right now I guess I'm evaluating what that would be.

I know I am only interested in doing something personal, something meant only as a hobby, as an expression. I don't know if this is, or can be it.

I think the Rika Confesses to Almost All of It concept was great when I was a struggling model/jack of all trades/semi-hustler bar girl. I cut it short of its brilliance by pandering to much to an audience I was pretending to have, or stopping short of rawness. I never really covered all the places I got to be and all the crazy sometimes stupid how I got theres. I hit on exactly what this should have been a couple times, and that was it. Obviously, I never cultivated much readership, but that's not so much a shame or wasted potential as it is a sign of my inability to fully commit, dedicate, and realize something. Just a symptom.

I think about the blogs that I really find interesting and inspiring. Most of them are a fairly simple theme, repeating one cool little vision from a unique angle. Should I find some microconcept, despite my chronic eclecticness, my refusal to give up the possibility of talking about everything and the kitchen sink for a concept as simple as photos of clouds delivered attractively? What subject would I choose?

My life is different now, I am not sure if the confessional theme suits at all. A different job, life with health insurance and weekends off, I don't even know my closest bars inside out anymore. I have interesting things to confess I'm sure, but I work towards a goal that does not benefit from spilling them. My other expert topic - I live and breathe video games now more than ever, but I can't tell you about it. ;) If I picked a small piece of my interests to mirror and display, what would be the most true, and hold my interest longest? What could I (of all people) focus on? And even if I did choose some little angle, would I still want this place to put my rambling thoughts?

I don't know. Tomorrow i may pretend I never wrote this, and carry on.

The old world.. Revisited: Meeting the family in Hot Springs

2011-06-03T01:25:00.001-05:00

Memorial Day weekend I went to meet up with my family in Hot Springs Arkansas. They came from Effingham area, IL, I came from Dallas TX, Hot Springs is the semi-central point where we were able to find an un-booked cabin.

I hadn't seen my family since my brother's wedding last fall, and I flew in and out within about 48 hours then so I wouldn't miss any work. The day before I left, I had the sudden revelation that this might be somewhat stressful.. then I called my older sister who said "Yeah.. I'm afraid this is going to be really stressful. I'm bringing alcohol!" Then I talked to my mom who said "Honestly, this is probably going to be a big stressful deal." So on the way there, I was somewhat nervous.. and I always feel a little strange when I go to visit, almost like I'm revisiting a different world I used to live in.

But as it turned out, we had a pretty good time. The cabin was a little chaotic with all of the Hollinshead siblings minus one sister (who prob was having too much fun elsewhere) and three boys under the age of 3. It got me to thinking about how life was growing up, and how I was always surrounded by that kind of chaos and always, always people. I don't think I really realized until I was an adult and moved out how hard it is for me to continually be around a lot of people. I like people, ect., I just need to break it up with time spent alone, and really, I'm much better with individual conversations with people than group socializing. This would probably explain why I spent so much of my at-home years writing or drawing in a corner or sitting in the yard.

Seeing my family got me thinking about a lot of things, like how much I have or haven't changed, and how different my perspective has become since living elsewhere. I still don't think of it as "moving to the city and broadening my horizons".. I've convinced that country people know a fair deal about the city- they see it on tv. But people who have lived their lives always in or near a city really have no idea about life in the "middle of nowhere". Neither the media nor their need to go places generally forces them to encounter it. They really don't "get" driving an hour to get to a town they wouldn't shake a stick at to buy used video games or the amount of planning that goes into seeing a concert when its a two hour drive each way and you're underage.

(I was once in a bar, trying to explain life in Effingham co to a guy who had never, apparently, spent any time out of the city. He said, disdainfully, "But what would you DO there, if you were there right now, what would you do for fun? Hang around some cornfield?" I looked at him, sitting in a major metropolitan area, on the same barstool he'd been on since five oclock and every night before that week. "Nah.." I said as I walked off. "You'd probably just be sitting on your ass in a bar.")

At any rate, most of the things I got to thinking about were too heavy for this blog, right now, this time of night. But the two notable concepts that can be mentioned briefly are this: a) The realization that I, myself, not my circumstances, haven't really changed that much. I'm basically the same, but being away, I suppose I've got to know myself and my natural inclinations better, and instead of wondering why I don't fit right in a certain "hole" so to speak, I've built my situation around me to suit myself. And b) for the changes I, and Thom, have gone through.. we've become more like each other than either of us is like our family anymore.

Each of those topics probably really deserves a blog of its own, but I am not ready to publicly delve into it, so for now, enjoy my sunburn, some photos, a cleavage eye view of the world, and talk about go carts and video games.

We Are the Pop Art of Our Internet Times - The Cultural Significance of Facebook Photography

2011-05-25T02:35:00.000-05:00

A classic from Quakecon 09, entitled "Glasses and Myspace are for Dorks."

I like myspace-style, self-taken, in-front-of-the-mirror, you-can-see-the-cellphone-camera-in-the-shot photographs.

There. I started the blog. I was trying to think of a clever way to begin, maybe pull in some social commentary. But the truth is, I don't really want to say that Facebook and celebrity culture are creating a detrimental effect on society, giving everyone a venue from which to over-indulge in gross displays of self importance. I don't want to say that, because everyone is saying it. I also don't want to say it because I am a fan of social media-style photography - the easily mock-able icon of our times.

Fefe - she's tech savy, game playing, zombie killer.. and also my successor as XFX Girl.

Think about all the times you've heard the myspace-mirror shot scorned, or used in a snarky remark. Or used as the subject of a cartoon or parodied on Youtube. I can mention "those girls who post pictures of themselves posing in the mirror", and everyone knows exactly who those girls are. But I've got those photos. And you probably do too. The things we make fun of incessantly.. well, there's a pretty good chance that those things are our very culture.

Christa and I always said "You know you had fun if you've got the picture to prove it..." Why not prove you're having fun, right here, right now, in real time?

I like old photos because they are a glimpse into the time. I analyzed the the old checked curtains in the background, the flannel shirt my dad is wearing in an early 80's 110 photo. I stare at the corn shucks at my great grandpa's feet. I flip through the boxes of photos at antique stores sometimes, looking at scenes of people who aren't anything to me in particular, and I look at the clothes and the poses and the objects that give the photo some sort of setting.

Even classy blogs like In Pursuit of Pretty Things do it.

The Facebook shot shows us living in "the future". It is a world where everyone carries their own little piece of technology. We can show or share something across distance instantaneously, we can have visual conversations across the space that separates us and the cultural differences that come from that space. With the death of film as the primary way to document our lives, we now have greater leeway - we do not have to ask the question "Is this special enough to keep through the rivers of time?" We can document insignificant moments - the very moments that I wonder about as I look at old photos, the moments that photographs were not then spent on.


Photoshoot styled to look like Facebook photography - Kitagawa Keiko for Cybershot S006- more at Unleash the Geek.

I know that some people are concerned with the "reality tv" nature of internet culture - everyone wants to be famous, or just act like it on Facebook. Everyone has a podium from which to create their own image. And that is what I think is great about the current we are swimming in. There is a readily available canvas there in the digital era. There is no need to create visions which lack an audience. With the ability to easily reach viewers, there lies potential for so much more than poserism and blatant sexuality. Yes, those things are seen in the digital sludge. But if given a blank space that can be easily shaped into whatever you choose to present, why not make it beautiful? Why not choose carefully the things to document? And at the same time, why not choose haphazardly the moments to capture... because we cannot quite know in the moment the importance of the things that we think are far too casual to be art now.

PoppyD's What I Wore Today is almost nothing but this.. and its awesome.

But I digress. When I was twelve, we took posed photographs carefully, trying to clear any disruptions in the frame, and arranging every variable to get the most of the finite 24 spaces we could use. When I was 14, the internet was a luxury which I sometimes got to take a turn at at school, choosing topics of research papers just for the purpose of being legitimately allowed to read something interesting online, and when I was invariably pulled away from it I would think "If I had the internet constantly available, how could I ever be bored?" When I was 15, I ran with my sister and our friends to a stranger's farmhouse looking for help after a car wreck - an event which inspired my dad to get us cellphones at a time when pagers were still a status symbol.

The glimpse into Stacia's room is clean, clean, clean.

Now, I carry a tiny computer in my back pocket. I customize its capabilities with an infinite number of free programs. I have never had to think about whether or not its memory may be filling up with photos from its camera, which takes pictures that look as if they were taken by a device that is primarily a camera. But I carry three other cameras as well, 90% of the time. The blue digital point-and-shoot with a flash that can blaze through the dim of bars and clubs, the tiny hand held Vado video camera with a purple patterned finish, and the serious looking "real" video camera that is still, in this day and age, the size of your palm. I edit video easily, only ten years after I dreamed of being able to go to college to learn the unapproachable skills of turning footage into something coherent. Yes, I set out to participate in my contemporary times, and I have done it up.

Dancing in Miami.. putting the dress on the interweb.

The visible cameras in these photos give an insight into the personal, portable technology that is now common place in our lives. It is so common place, that the cameras, or more often, cellphones, in these shots are attractively colored or adorned. Objects which - even within my lifetime- would once have been thought a novelty on their own are now so normal that we individualize them to combat their normalcy. I value their appearance in the photographs from a strictly historical standpoint - we preserve pictures of things which rapidly change, which will be cast off. And then there's something philosophical about the brazenness of not even attempting to hide the fact that a photo was self taken, or by extension, that the viewer is looking at a photograph and not simply being drawn into a scene.

This actually is from a gift guide hawking the phone. But its so culturally relevant, they're even using the theme to sell shit!

In the 1920's, there was much concern about the Charleston, the unruly girls, and the illegal booze. Its hard to argue that no one was ever harmed by alcohol or brazen sexuality. But out of the climate that undoubtedly did provide some people with a hard surface to wreck themselves upon also came the insight of Fitzgerald and Edna St. Vincent Millay. It is with that faith that I continue championing the social media style " mirrored self portrait with digital camera" and the internet uploading 3g culture it represents. Its the faith that I can both participate in and document my times and the culture around it, all the while maintaining the perspective to see outside of it.

I <3 Droid photography THIS MUCH.

Accidental Brewriot - A Sunday Drive.

2011-05-23T01:05:00.000-05:00

"Let's just get in the car," says Ryan, after much debate on where to go and what to do there. We comply, and are soon driving south. At first I speculate that Ryan has chosen Ft. Worth, but he turns onto a frontage road where I expected a merge left. We drive through Oak Cliff, commenting on the houses and the scenery, and what a street could be like, filled out with interesting businesses.
As we creep into Bishop Arts, we see an unexpected crowd - a mix of sunglasses, bare shoulders above summer dresses, hipster shoes and small plastic cups held aloft. I read a snatch of writing on a sign- "Homebrew Teams.. "
"I think its a Beerfest."

In line for wrist bands, I wished I had worn less and debated on whether a wrist band for beer samples is a good investment for a liquor person. Fifteen minutes later, we were armed with the proper supplies for the Bishop Arts Brewriot Homebrew Festival: wristbands, cups, and marbles for voting.

Paparazzi shot: Jesus shoes and little dog.

Sweet Maggie cider was my favorite. The chocolate porter I had was also good, and not too chocolatey, but I took no pictures and cannot remember who it was by. :(

Ryan and Thom can't resist Uncle Buck's.

Rahr girl pours a Summertime Wheat - I want to like Stormcloud just for its name, but I know I could never love an IPA.

Paparazzi shot: One of the best neighborhoods for checking out ink.

Paparazzi shot: slouchy tee shirts, chillin by the car.

Ending the excursion on Lockhart's patio - after generous $3 Jameson shots.

Videogame Controller Earrings: A Random Etsy Search

2011-05-21T02:23:00.000-05:00

Etsy.. it's the place to go if you want something a little too odd to be easily found in a store. Its also the place to find earrings that look like the exact variety of videogame controller you use.. because no fangirl would be caught dead in jewelry that doesn't match her console.

Sadly, I won't be buying any earrings.. there doesn't seem to be an iconly recognizable symbol for the PC gamer in the same way that the controller is the "banner" of the console gamer. At least, not one that makes a good earring anyway.

Clay Super Nintendo from TheClayCollection - $23

CsCharms calls these "Retro Videogame Controller Earrings". I applaud their avoidance of copyright infringement. $14.95

Black 360 controllers from BouncyCreation - The bargain of the group at $9.

Atari controller graphics by Ambergee80 are my favorite, because of the more subtle nature of the design. I actually think she could do a nice PC gamer version - maybe wasd keys in one-color stencil style? A gaming headset might work as well, or even a full keyboard if the detail can be done that small. $23

Effingham, IL, 1981, Sartorialist Style...

2011-05-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

I was scrolling through The Sartorialist today... (http://www.thesartorialist.blogspot.com/) and the vintage photos he does reminded me of this old photo that my sister dug up for Mother's Day on Facebook.

There was some Facebook debate over what town this was, but my mom remembered it was Effingham and knew what street she was standing on and what direction she was facing. Mom is 16 or 17 in this photo.

When I was a young teenager and I first saw this photo, I liked it because I got a kick out of the idea that my mom, despite her sometime protests about our spaghetti straps, had in fact once worn a tank top, in public, with her shoulders and collar bone showing. (By the time I was 13 or so, I had no memory of her ever wearing anything that showed sternum or carried risk of bra strap exposure, despite her being still approximately the same size she was in 1981.)

Live in the City Where the Sun Beats Down: Dallas does have a music scene.

2011-05-18T00:56:00.000-05:00

When I first came to Dallas, I hated it and thought it was a city of assholes who said mean things under a veil of politeness. Now, I get pissed off when people complain about Dallas. (Turns out I was just in the wrong line of work.)

My current annoyance is hearing people complain that there's no music scene here. It makes me think of the gruff longtime waitresses who were my coworkers in my formative years and their expression "They'd rather bitch than eat when they're hungry." You can see a good show in Dallas. Or you can talk about how cool Austin is while not going out to support the music scene you have right here.

So here's a taste of the music scene you can participate in right here... (maybe I'll continue this theme in future blogs? Who knows, I'm very unreliable.)

First up - Hello Lover.

Hello Lover gets to top the list because I have recent video of them, and I've seen them play more times than I can count and its always a good show. Also, they have a charismatic seven-foot-tall lead singer who dances. The best way to find Hello Lover is to see them live - their internet presence (and the sound in my video) doesn't do them justice. But I like their taste in posters.


St Patty's band flyer - art by J Schaefer, reference photo T Stead

If you disregard my advice to just see them live, or if you need to figure out how to do that, theres Facebook : http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hello-Lover/108340453574 and Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/hellolovermusic

This brings me to my next introduction- a venue: Club Dada, also seen in the above video.

Dada is off again, on again, off again, now its on again. It's part of the tradition of Deep Ellum legends that are closing down, but this one won't stay dead. Its a good place to see a show - either a local band, or see a bigger act in a smaller venue.

Favorite bands I've seen there: Hello Lover, Lucero, The Riverboat Gamblers, Record Hop.

One major, MAJOR complaint about Dada though: The bathroom situation. There are a total of two toilets available, and shows here do fill the house.

Website at http://dadadallas.com/

Whatever Happened to my Rock n Roll?

2011-05-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

If you don't recognize it, the title is a quotation of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, a band which abjectly DID NOT suck in concert. I would like to keep on writing about thier show, but at this point it wouldn't be current.

The live music highlights of my April in Dallas were both at Granada. One was a band I'd wanted to see for some time and whose catalog I knew well. The other was a band I'd recently taken a liking to, whose Rock Band 3 song I knew well. Unfortunately, both left me disappointed.

The Raveonettes was actually not what I would consider a bad show. I had a pleasant time, and for the most part, the music sounded good. However, persistent back tracking and a lack of life in the show itself (they basically stood, and played, and were always back lit so that the view was pretty much their still silhouettes the entire show) prevented it from being what I'd call a good show. I didn't leave wishing I hadn't come.. but I must admit, I was hoping to leave converted to being a huge fan of the band, which did not happen.

The Kills show had almost everything The Raveonettes lacked. There was life in the show, Alison Mossheart strutted around like a badass, and in general gave the crowd what they wanted. The crowd ate it up. Except for me. I discovered that while I sorely felt the lack of swagger in The Raveonettes show, a heavy pour of swagger wasn't enough to carry The Kills. Despite being a fan of the band, I couldn't delude myself that the over-played, almost cartoon-y distortion sounded good. And then there was the factor that both shows had in common: the goddamn back tracking.

To a degree, I do wish I hadn't gone to see The Kills. In a sort of way, I still wish I was wishing to see them live, and hearing all the positive remarks from people who have seen their show, not realizing that I would sorely disagree with the apparent majority on the experience. After these two lack luster musical experiences, I also find myself wishing I'd started doing rock show video diaries earlier, when I was on a roll and would therefore not have to piss off all the rabid internet fans of the bands. (BTW, The Raveonettes also win the rabid fan pissing contest - their fans largely will not hear the possibility that they did not play an awesome show and want to blame user error. Judging by the amount of people who attended the show, the rabid fans exist in far greater numbers on the internet than IRL. Which is too bad, because if more of them bought tickets, perhaps the band could afford to hire more touring musicians and quite the stupid back tracking. The Kills on the other hand, have no trouble selling tickets.. and still I'd advise them to pick up some guns for hire.)

I'm about as anti-government interference as anyone I know, yet I find myself tempted to say that I think shows should come with a label that makes clear the amount of backtracking additives they include. In fact, I'd like to say it, as it'd be a comfortable level of inflammatory, but actually I'm too super serious about both my politics and my music to risk the suggestion that I want interference in one by the guys that brought you vehicle inspections and the TABC test. ("GiNGer Ale? I want Shomething shTRonGer!")

(also on the blog i share with a few ex-gamerioters - www.slightlyrelevant.com)

Free the Female Skin...

2011-04-10T15:26:00.001-05:00

I hate walking around in sweat soaked clothes. Maybe its because of growing up in oppressive humidity. I just can't stand the feel of soggy sweaty moisture trapped around my skin.

Today I was walking in the park. Bob Woodruff/Oak Point, if you're familiar with Plano. Its the kind of park with nature where people go biking and running, not a playground park. I was walking with intent to sweat, in full sun, so I wore shorts and a bikini top. I wore a bikini top for presumably much the same reason that men go running in the same park in tiny shorts without shirts. Because I sweat, its hot, and I'm concerned with little else besides my own course. Plus there's the little bit of vanity that makes me choose the bikini top over the sports bra - the sports bra gives me some weird tan lines.

It totally wasn't like this.

As I was walking along, I occasionally would pass some other person. Sometimes I could feel them look at me a little hard, but I didn't care. I'm out there to burn some calories and be alone, not to be concerned with them. I encountered about eight people in about an hour of walking, and each of them was "forced" to look at me for about 10 to 30 seconds until they passed me by.

One of the last people I passed was a man, probably in his 40's, running in a pair of small nylon shorts. I mention him because he is significant, although not through any fault of his own. He didn't offend me in any way, or say anything to me, or even really look at me. He is significant because I know the last group of people I came into contact with had to have passed him to.

This last group of people consisted of several people, and I really couldn't tell you exactly their demographic or what they were doing, or how many of them there were. My lack of detail on this is because I was minding my own business, not trying to solicit the attention of anyone else or pay attention to anyone else. I was there to use the park. I do know that at least two of them were women, I couldn't really say how old, both blonde, and both wearing tank tops. I know this, because one of them (I don't know which) drew my attention intentionally as she passed me by.

She said "Put some clothes on!" She said this right in the instant after she passed me by. So, generously speaking, if she was forced to be offended by my presence for 30 seconds, she had 30 seconds in which to make her comment. She made her comment in the 31st second, as if she wanted to make it not when she was face to face with me, but after. I turned around and said in a bored and only slightly annoyed tone of voice "Its not any different than men running with their shirts off."

I don't think she had intended to give me the opportunity to respond, nor did she expect it. She said "What?" and both her and the other woman turned around, once again leaving me unclear on who had spoken. I repeated: "Its not any different than men running with their shirts off. I sweat too." Then I turned around and continued my course which she had interrupted.

In that moment of reply though, I had enough time to basically look at them. They were both blonde, artificially so. They were both wearing shorts and tank tops, both of which exposed cleavage. They were not large per se, but larger than me. So not only is there the irony that they can pass a man in mini shorts and nothing else and presumably not cat-call him, but also its not as if they were covered to Victorian standards themselves. So the part of their body that they are willing to display - cleavage - is perfectly unoffensive, but my stomach and lower back is totally over the line? The fact that I have forced you to see my belly button for a few seconds, in passing, in a place where I was exercising, where people are meant to exercise, is rude; but your giving unsolicited instruction to someone you don't know is not?

I would like to conclude this blog with the statement that I am tired of two things. The first is simpler: I am tired of people making rude remarks that they do not intend to own. If you are so proud of your opinion and righteous in it, don't say it in a calculated moment when you are pretty sure you will have the last word and there's not possibility of a retort. Furthermore, when you make such a remark, prepare not to be dumbfounded if the target of the remark does turn around and answer in a more conversationally civil style than you lead with.

The second thing I am tired of is people responding witch hunt style to any display of female skin that is one millimeter over their own arbitrary standard of appropriateness. I have defended willing sexiness and I will defend it again and again, but every time a woman wears something which exposes a piece of her flesh, it is not necessarily sexual. If I am doing something physical, yes, I prefer to wear less clothing and be less hot. If i am doing something outside in the sun, yes, I prefer to have the sun touch my skin instead of sweaty fabric. Its not just the idea that any exposure of skin over what "they themselves" (in the proverbial sense) are doing is a blatant troll for sexual attention. Its also the idea that if someone does something that "they themselves" would not do, it is obviously totally incorrect, anti-feminist, offensive, and is in fact corrupting our children. Come on people. We have all seen bikini tops. They aren't required by law to be sold only in places with dark tinted windows that card at the door.

Even more complexly, its the idea that its ok for the proverbial "them" to beautify themselves and try to make themselves attractive as they see fit. "They" can dye their hair, wear makeup, dress to present what they see as an attractive part of their body with cleavage and shoulders on display. But if "they" see someone who has, to their eyes, made a bid for attractiveness in a different way - exposed a different part of the body, or worn something that "they" would not, "they" feel entitled to be offended by it. It causes me even more of an eye roll when they think I'm presenting for attractiveness when I'm actually just trying to be more comfortable while I work my ass out. I'm not trying to join the Top Free movement. I'm just willing to fight for both my right to be comfortable in the park in the same way that apparently even 70 year old dudes in stretchy shorts have the right to be comfortable in the park.. and I'm also willing to stand up to anyone who tries to tell me what the standard is when I am probably more qualified to decide the standard myself.

I see people doing things and wearing things that my eyes find offensive every day. I don't feel entitled to instruct them on it.

See? Its not so bad.

To Die of Pride in the Snow..

2011-02-09T16:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not working because I live in Texas, and there is ice. So, time for a story about Illinois winter adventures:

Its winter, circa 2001 in IL. We live on a country road, five miles from the nearest small town and 30 minutes from the nearest town you can do much of anything in. I'm about 16 or 17. I'm supposed to go to Effingham (the bigger town) to pick my sister's boyfriend up and meet my sister when she gets off work. Its snowing like hell, and they forgot to plow our road. After much debate, my dad decides to let me go, but he tells me that the "law of odds" is going to get me.

I go out to my car, and being afraid that dad will change his mind, I decide to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can. This is bad, because my defog doesn't really work, and I can't see shit yet, but I take off. I get more or less out of the driveway, and drive straight off the road, because like i said, it hasn't been plowed, and my window is all frosty so I can't see where the road is. The snow is probably ten inches deep. I'm stuck. I'm still within view of the house, so dad can see that I'm stuck. He comes driving out there like an asshole, drives past me, turns around and comes back to where I'm stuck, as if to show me just how easy it is to not get stuck. I can tell already he's mad.

I'm right. He is mad. We dig my car out a bit, and he chains it to his little Dodge Omni and eventually we get it out. He's really pissed about the whole thing, and so as he goes to turn his car around, he's driving like he's pissed off. He puts his car in the ditch. He's stuck. So I bring the Oldsmobile around, we dig, we hook up the tow chain, we get the little car out. He heads straight to the house. I very carefully drive up to the hog barn up the road so I can turn around without incident, and very carefully drive home, hanging my head and thinking about how much it sucks to be stuck at home. The time passed since my initial departure is about an hour and a half at this point.

I reach the driveway. Dad is standing at the end of the sidewalk in front of the house, smoking a cigarette. He watches me pull in. I start to get out of the car.

Dad looks at me like I'm an idiot and says, "I didn't go through all that trouble so you could just turn around and come home. Get the hell out of here."

I leave, this time I have tire tracks as a reference and everything is fine once I reach blacktop highway.

After a few misadventures that night (including getting my sister's car stuck) I head home, by myself, to make midnight curfew. I'm depressed about having to leave when I know the fun is continuing for everyone else. It hasn't stopped snowing all night. As I reach the turn off for our road, it is apparent that the road still hasn't been plowed. The indents from our stuck cars earlier have been completely covered. I have no choice. Curfew is god, I've got to go down that road.

About a quarter mile from the house, my car comes to a stop. I'm stuck... on the road. I get out. The snow is almost a foot deep in the low places, its about two feet in the drifts. I'm clearly on the road. I'm just so goddamn stuck I have no idea how to get out of it. I put my floor mats under my tires. I throw it back and forth between reverse and drive, putting the pedal to the floor. Now I'm just stuck in a big cradle shaped indentation in the snow.

The house is within sight of course, and an easy walk. But there is no way I'm asking dad for help with this. There's also no way I am abandoning my car, because then I'll have to tell him why in the morning. I decide to just dig out the entire road up to the driveway with a shovel. I get a shovel. I start digging. After a very long time I realize what a stupid idea that is, and that I've made pretty much no progress. I go back to trying to miraculously drive the car out of it.

At about 1:45, I am out of ideas. I still am unwilling to wake dad up for help or abandon my car. I have resigned to just dying in my car. I curl up in the passenger seat, staring at the yellow lights from the house as I try to go to sleep. I wonder how long my gas will last sitting here.

Then behind me there are headlights. A big pickup truck stops behind me, and several drunk ass good old boys from my school get out.

"You gotta get outa the way!" they say jovially. "We got a party to go to!"

I look at them like they are idiots. They surround my car, recommending all the things I've already tried. They can't get in front of the car, so they can't pull me out. They grab the shovels and some cardboard and start digging and kicking at the snow in front of the car. Then one of the drunker ones announces "I can get it out, lemme drive."

He's wasted, but I figure there's no way that car is moving, so I let him try. He throws it in reverse, pulls forward and back a few times, sliding from side to side a little, and then all the sudden, it comes free. He drives it into the driveway. I run behind him, pretty damn happy that I don't have to die of pride in the snow. They go on their merry way.

Now this story should end with me going in to bed, somewhat annoyed that no one even noticed whether or not I was late. But actually, later that night I was awakened by headlights constantly pointed at the window- my sister's car stuck in the snow, once again, sitting perfectly on the road, just stuck. And better yet, there's someone stuck behind her...

Feminism in the Club

2010-10-26T02:02:00.000-05:00

Paul Oakenfold is coming on at Lizard Lounge. I can't believe i spent a hundred bucks getting here. I can't believe I'm liking it. He spreads his arms like a Christ figure, the crowd responds like he is.

An hour later, two hours? We are all caught up in the music. I am saying nothing, only looking up from my little piece of dance floor to make eye contact with my buddies and nod as if to say "hell yeah." At the begining of the night all the girls looked cool in their towering heels and short dresses. Now i look cooler than cool in flat boots. I'm wearing a tank top your grandpa would wear, pretending its a dress.

They are pulling the bottles now and I am sad to see it go but only a little. I feel the pulse of the music, up through the balcony floor and into my feet. We don't mourn the death of drinking; all at once we grab the table and the odd choice of chairs and we pull them back from the rail. We dance, over looking the pit below and the wasted girls looking at their clumsy hands in the air and the dudes that don't do anything but shake their fists.

I am doing the go go dancers rest step, back and forth as i get ready to pick it up again and surveying my kingdom. I am thinking thats its our job, to look over this club and dance on this rail so that they can look up and see us and long to be where we are.

Beside me on my left there is a girl. I am observing her without admitting to noticing her. She's wearing a funky tee shirt and jeans and heels. She is dancing on the rail too and we are pretending not to see each other. On and on we dance, next to each other, in our own little world. On my right my friend is in his own world too, and maybe we exchange glances, but really we are all absorbed in the sort of ironic silence of music you can't speak over.

Step step step step step.. hand on the rail, hands in the air, both hands on the rail, hands at my side when its all about the hips and the feet and still she and I ignore each other. And then she bumps me. or I bump her. We are startled enough to look at each other, forgetting to pretend it didn't happen. I could eye her up. I could give her the cold look of measuring or I could look at her awkwardly apologetically. But I don't. Maybe its the handful of drinks circulating around my veins, or maybe my mind is just extra clear in this moment and I am less hesitant than usual.

I look up at her and grin, as if we are conspirators in some wild adventure. She grins. We go back to our own dancing, but both of us caught up more this time. Our steps get bigger. As she ceases to give token recognition to the guy behind her, I get the whim to step back. I let her move into my spot on the rail and I step back out of the view of the world and into the shadows of people taller than me. I finish the night dancing there until we are leaving in a whirl of exiting before the over packed house spins out around us. We don't even manage to say by to the entire group as the loud silence of being enveloped by music turns to the excited chatter of the parking lot. I am walking with my friend and the one I love as they smoke and I smile and we rehash the ride that isn't yet quite over.

My friend is telling me how brilliant the night was and the ride that it was in the way that he can say it and make you say "yeah man!" with every fiber of your being.. but I can only try to repeat it and make it sound dumb. "Even that chick, that chick!" he is saying, "the one that danced next to me, she felt it too, she was fuckin cool." And I laugh, because the moment in time that just happened for him happened because the choice I made in a moment let it.

A Story About Modeling

2010-03-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

A wordless account of what goes on before a fashion show, as told by me and the Droid.

the actor's tour of texas

2010-03-05T04:23:00.000-06:00

You will see austin for the first time as you race to San Antonio, trying to get to a shoot. You will see it again at 7 one morning, fighting traffic and trusting the gps to get you to an 8 am call time.

East Texas you will see on your way to auditions in shreeveport. You will ask yourself why you ever agreed to drive four hours to try to get a bit role in a probably retarded movie. You will get up at a rediculous time. On the way back you will face exhaustion. stop for an energy drink, and take the first three sips. Set your alarm and sleep in the sun in the car for 15 minutes. It will be enough to get you through. When you finish that one, stop for another. The countryside is beautiful in the hyper focus youll have.

Fair Park you will learn quickly. Everytime you go in to your appointments there, you will get lost and then irrate. You will ask yourself why the hell anyone asked you to come here of all places. When you find the building, you will think "oh god.. this is exactly the kind of seedy place my mom pictures me getting killed in.." but you willl go in anyway. Inside it will be nice. You'll get mad again as you try to leave.

Canton you will see randomly, as you are photographed in a pool of mud. White Rock Lake you will see as you look past a camera, and Grapevine Lake you will see nothing but the glare of sun as you cover your chest with your arms and try not to look like you're wilting. You will see the dramatic hills out past Mesquite from a car full of actresses with your hair in a victory roll, but you will never again be able to figure out where you were. You will sit in expensive restaraunts whose names you won't remember and pick at cold food take after take. You will stand outside in the wind for two hours between two buildings and two scenes. You will shiver as you walk out of some hotel, and you will wait for the Lone Star cab to pass by so you can film a scene that takes place in LA. Later you will look at places and try to remember when and why you were there. You won't be sure.

Jesus and Coke

2010-01-09T22:21:00.003-06:00

Here it is- my contribution to society..

1/2 oz Jim Beam
1/2 oz Jack Daniels
1/2 oz Jameson
splash of Coke

Shoot it!
Its not as rough as you think.
Something that originated from talking shit at Vickery Park Plano.

Cliff Notes...

2010-01-05T01:19:00.003-06:00

Well let's see...

I got finalist in the XFX Girl contest! I'll be going to LA for that on the 23rd of January.

I got a graphics tablet! But I kind of suck at drawing with it.

Spent Christmas Eve on 15th street. Spent Christmas with a family I had never met before, then after much discombobulation, went down to Double Wide with the cool kids to see Hello Lover and American Fuse.

Got Dragon Age Origins and Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, among other things. :) I'm in fps training currently.

Can't decide on a design for Deep Six's tee shirts.. keep starting over and over again.

Finally rode the Grapevine railroad to the Ft. Worth Stockyards with Thom and his family.. train was slow, Stockyards was cool. Jameson at The White Elephant Saloon!

Oh yeah.. and got a real gaming mouse. :)

2009-12-01T03:46:00.000-06:00

Watch this.

Go here.

http://www.facebook.com/#/pages/XFX-Girl/139227932935?ref=ts

Leave comments!

Up on Joe's Bar

2009-11-20T16:39:00.000-06:00

photo by Ryan Pream, makeup by Stephanie Dawn

A Story About the Virgin Islands

2009-11-16T00:05:00.002-06:00

"Oh yeah, whatever you guys need to do!" says Joe. He's a laid-back long hair, grinning like the pirates in my imagination. Somehow I thought we'd have to talk him into this. He doesn't stay around for the action though, he gives us permission and gets out of the way. Talking to his customers in the other corner.
Joe's Beach Bar, Water Island, near St. Thomas, USVI, is hoping on Sunday night. Boats are pulled up on the sand, little boats, some kayaks, dinghys, boats I don't know the names of. Everyone is tan and weather beaten with wild hair. Jeans are cut off anf t shirts are old. Its like a bigger version of my parents old photo albums, when they were my age and I was five, sitting in lawn chairs drinking beer. The bar reminds me of a snowcone stand, painted light bright green like a taqueria, surrounded by sand and trailer park style lights.
John mumbles something about how it doesn't look the way you imagine a beach bar, but I like that. It's not a bar for tourists. I am designing a wild comic book world in my mind, with all the grit and cavalier-ness of this island. I am wearing a short blue button up dress that looks like a slutty Halloween flight attendant outfit. My bright pink bra is peeking out of it. The bartender clears away the tip jar. She is making me the best Pina Colada in the whole damn world, one-off style, in a blender. The island boys are eyeing me. They know something is up. John and Ryan look at each other. they look around. My drink is ready. Its way bigger than its plastic cup. It looks like a snowcone.

John finishes hooking the light to the battery pack. Its time. They're all watching to see what I will do.

"Rock and roll.." I announce to the crowd and shake off the dress. I hop up on to the bar, pink lingerie against green bar. John tests the light. I always pose, even for lighting tests. I'm laying on the bar like a pin up postcard, pretty drink in my hand. The light pops and flashes. I think in the imagination of the on lookers, we're shooting for Sports Illustrated. John shoots. Ryan shoots. Pop flash, buzz of the crowd. I'm zeroed in on the instructions they give, but the crowd is fueling me. Hold that pose. I tell Ryan to tape some. He does. I roll this way and the other, the way I imagine Gisele would.

Ryan orders two tequila shots. "This is the islands, we drink rum!" someone hazes him. "Oh we're being culturally insensitive!" I laugh. Ryan takes his shot. He tells me to wait. He like his tequila to hurt. No trimmings. He picks up the camera. I ick up the shot. Its hot. Shooting tequila in island heat is like a heat stroke. My chest burns. I am drinking that pina colada fast. I am using up every trick I have. I feel "alive, more alive, so alive." The light is dying.

"Get the Joe's Beach Bar in there!" says Joe as he walks by. Everyone is loving the excitement. So am I.

Then it ends, I'm off the bar, the dress is thrown on, the cameras hurriedly packed away. I am in the post storm calm now. I'm laid back, grinning and talking to the locals as the guys pack up the lights. But they rush me out like a drunk socialite from a club. I'm the hell out of Dodge before I know it, watching the party from the dark side of the beach, where I can see without being seen.

2009-11-11T21:35:00.001-06:00

2009-11-11T21:12:00.001-06:00

regina spektor

2009-11-11T18:52:00.001-06:00

Jupiter One sets up.. theyre opening forRegina Spektor at Stubbs.. and we're vip. :)

2009-11-06T08:41:00.002-06:00

Five minutes in the Virgin Islands and I'm already playing video games.

2009-11-04T14:02:00.004-06:00

I flew into St. Thomas last night, and it was too late for the ferry to Water Island. SO I went down to Tickle's, a bar on the Crown Bay docks, to wait for a motorboat ride. While I was there some of the locals asked me to play Wii bowling so they'd have even teams. I took them up on it, because on the island there are no short waits. :) Wound up bowling a better game than I do in real life, and having a good time showing off for the bar crowd.

2009-11-01T21:22:00.002-06:00

I'm going back to the Virgin Islands on Tuesday. I just found out.

I'm trying to pack, buy the stuff I need to buy for the trip, make sure my shifts are covered, work on a video for a contest, and get in my first article for Busy Gamer. The need to do so many things leaves me soaking in a pool of busy ineffectiveness. I can't decide what is most important, and some of the things I need to do are intertwined with each other. I'm having a focusing problem. Oh and I need to get my laptop updated, and clear out it's head a little before I go. And put a game on it. And find the gameboy, I've got a whole day of layovers each way.

And I don't have tommorrow off either.

And all the while I want to sew, and I want to draw.

I should find something and focus.

Mutemath at Palladium

2009-10-26T01:27:00.002-05:00

2009-10-26T01:22:00.001-05:00

The Bravery.. earlier tonight

2009-10-24T22:33:00.001-05:00

Star Wars inspired hair for Star Wars Fandays. :)

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2009-10-23T00:40:00.002-05:00

This is one of those "what I'm doing right now that is probably too much information" posts.

Behind the scenes for a nerdy shoot..

2009-10-08T15:09:00.004-05:00

So despite still hammering away at things the mainstream, agency approved way, I have also been recently interested in portraying my own essence in shoots and self promotion. And to that end, I've been doing some different shoots. In this video I'm setting up to shoot a camped out on the couch Nintendo marathon concept... basically what i did all the time when I lived by myself and playing games was a reclusive activity, as opposed to healing the hell out of Oldsalty in a team effort. :)

week in review..

2009-10-07T12:32:00.002-05:00

On Thursday night I'm heading back towards "the smell of wet asphalt, gasoline, and fastfood," but I've (probably not accidentally) filled the week up until then. Yesterday I shot for portfolio most of the useable day, and tonight I have another shoot.

Yesterday's shoot was with Josh McCaghren, who is also a model actually. I am really hoping the pictures are as good as i imagine them to be. It seems like photographers who have been models have a nice attention to the details that matter to models, and he also managed to get me to full on laugh in some shots, despite the fact that I'm notorious for always choosing a serious expression if you let me pick. Turns out all it takes for me to crack up is a fake Brit accent. We did three different looks, the first clean, the second fashion, and the third grungey and involving smoking.

Tonight's shoot is a different sort. I'm not really trying to get anything the agency would be fond of , although I suppose its possible that it happens accidentally. We're going to try to capture a Rolling Stone cover look, and get some gamer themed stuff, and some sexy cool stuff for my self promotion project.

I also recently discovered that Victoria's Secret is having a model contest.. which is the first model contest I have ever heard about that made me say, "That's perfect for me!" Most contests i see i can't imagine myself actually winning, but this one.. well let's just put it this way, i've already storyboarded out my entry video.

In other news, I have restarted my affair with World of Warcraft. I think. Went back to healing, because its good to be a badass. But that's probably another blog entirely.

2009-09-30T00:16:00.002-05:00

I've got a new article out for Charisma +2 (an online magazine written by hot girl gamers!) so here it is..
http://www.charismaplus2.com/magazine/OCTOBER09/spellborn.png

...make like Pamela Anderson and exploit myself!

2009-09-28T21:37:00.003-05:00

As you may be able to tell from the panel over on the side of my blog, I am starting to sell myself! Or rather, merchandise myself. Zazzle is an awesome website for designing and selling things!

Mine is here: http://www.zazzle.com/rika_h

2009-09-26T20:50:00.001-05:00

Alice Delal hair for commitment-phobes!

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Backstage at Oscar Fierro

2009-09-26T17:34:00.004-05:00

Backstage at an Oscar Fierro runway show before a Gloria Trevi concert.. and no, we did not actually get any Patron!

Diamonds at Envy

2009-09-26T16:38:00.004-05:00

Olesya, Cheryl and I modeled diamonds from Diamond Doctor for an Envy Magazine party at Zaza. We played around alot in between...

What I really do...

2009-09-22T14:22:00.002-05:00

I think I just stuck my fingers in Jesus' nail marks..

2009-09-17T14:59:00.004-05:00

Good things are happening. I don't want to go into too much detail, because I always feel that when I speak directly and try to describe things I'm excited about, it profanes them. I'm good at bitching in great detail. Not so strong on communicating happy thoughts.

But I am going to succeed now.

My friend Joey (he's made an appearance in at least one post on here I think) always used to tell me "It hasn't happened for you yet because you don't believe. You have to believe." And I would get irritated and think to myself "Shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're talking about. I believe! I belive!"

But then I had a moment the other day while on a job, when a different perspective was revealed to me, and I realized that I did believe in what was going to happen. All the sudden I did believe. It was like suddenly feeling the absense of pains you had gotten used to. I could feel that I really hadn't had faith before. not like this.

Now excuse me while I go tell myself "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough.. and gosh-darn it- people like me."

The point isn't to become a geisha- its to BE a geisha.

2009-08-25T23:02:00.005-05:00

I fianally read Memoirs of a Geisha. I tend to have a knack for knowing what books to read at what time in order to read something that will speak to me right at that moment in time... I almost read this several years ago, but I'm glad I didn't. It has some interesting paralells to both my life modeling and my life working in bars that I wouldn't have appreciated before.

Both jobs are somewhat like Sayuri's experience in the book.. the always trying to look impeccable, the need to be a clever conversationalist at the bar- make everyone you talk to buy in to the romance of you, yet do it in a way that things never cross that line.. modelings need to know exactly how to present yourself and yet the imense dependancy on entities outside of yourself..
And my life is like the book in that you have to make intense sacrifices to get to point X, and you need to get to point X so that you can do thing B, but the whole point of doing thing B is to get to point A, which getting to point X takes you farther away from. And even then you want to get to point X, because you don't have any other choice that isnt a bit of a death.

I did feel bad for Nobu though.

2009-08-11T09:36:00.002-05:00

this is what i see.. right now as i am standing in the background of a commercial in the austin airport.

2009-08-11T09:34:00.002-05:00

i love advertising! i need to shoot something like this.

2009-07-23T01:51:00.003-05:00

So a lucky thing happened to me- I got to shoot with Samantha Mastropolo. She does hair, makeup, styles the shoot, and does the shooting. So all I had to do was show up basically- which is really quite a nice change every once in awhile. And so far the pics I've gotten from her are awesome!

2009-07-20T03:30:00.001-05:00

Did I mention.. that I see falcons everywhere? Well.. I do. Have for years.

2009-07-11T00:50:00.004-05:00

I'm getting up at 6 tommorrow to make an insane drive to Louisiana for a casting... why am I still awake?

2009-07-06T19:25:00.001-05:00

I almost forgot- I did get my new comp in. So here it is.

2009-07-06T19:13:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged in such a long time... I don't even know what to say.

My career is basically.. not doing anything to speak of. I don't really like to publicize my lack of success, but there's really no denying it. So if anybody out there has any ideas that might help, throw em at me. I am not sure what is the problem.. my book is a little weak, but it would seem that the best thing to improve it with would be actual work, which I cannot seem to find. I am not sure if Dallas is just ungodly lame or if there is something wrong with me that no one wants to tell me about.

I have started a project to fix my book as much as i can, and then once I have that a bit improved I suppose i will decide what to do next.

I am going to be going on a giant photoshoot roadtrip to Austin and whatever other places strike our fancy, with my buddy Roxanna and photographer Jensen Walker... to hopefully get some nice lifestyle and editorial type stuff for the book. I'm a bit excited about that.

Other than that, I am also trying to get in the best shape possible. Anything I can think of to do to help myself. I am trying not to get depressed about the whole thing, but it just seems I can't catch a break... I know that positiveness goes along way to attracting good things.. but it seems that getting excited about anything almost invariably leads to a disappointment for me. And not just a percieved disappointment because I build something up in my head- I mean that as soon as I am excited about something, it vanishes in a spiteful poof and doesn't happen at all.

2009-05-21T18:26:00.002-05:00

Olesya and I in the wardrobe room at the Southwest commercial shoot.

i like to see the

2009-05-21T15:02:00.002-05:00

i like to see the Dallas sky dulled down through amber colored lenses.

Shooting a commercial tommorrow

2009-05-21T00:23:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I am shooting a commercial. Actually I am doing a short film and then a commercial. But I'm pretty excited about the commercial.

I'd like to be doing modeling/acting stuff on a daily basis. I'd like to work at that everyday if I could. But I'm not to that point. So everytime I get ready to do something, I kind of go through a bit of a production to get myself in the frame of mind and I guess feel like I'm really doing this for real.. Now that i think about it, that's not that far off from the production my Dad makes when he's cooking supper.. but I digress.

If possible, I like to spend the night before something like this chilling a little bit. I don't drink.. I like to take a bit of a long shower and.. uh.. groom anything that needs it, redo my nails if I need to, cover myself in lotion..
I always make myself a sort of survival kit.. I put all the clothes or whatever i need to bring in there, I always have a nude thong and depending on what I'm doing, a nude strapless bra.. and some awesome Raspberry Sandalwood lotion, and bobby pins and hair bands... and usually bandaids (they're for taping nipples if you must know.) and whatever other beauty type projects I might need. Plus I like to have a magazine in there that I haven't read any of, and maybe the ipod. And always the camera.
Sometimes i like to put some protein bars in there too. i don't generally eat them all the time, just on long shoots and such.

I wonder if I could really do this everyday.. would i always go through this kind of ritual? Or would i just stay in prepared mode all the time. I guess I'll know eventually.

Tommorrow i also get to work with Olesya, my fellow Clutts Agency girl, and it seems, my frequent shooting partner. I think we get used together alot because we are similar enough in shape, but don't look alike. She's dark haired and European. You can see us at www.madelinewood.com.

Say it with pictures..

2009-05-14T15:19:00.006-05:00

So I fianally got to shoot with two of my favorites at the same time- Anthony Chiang and Roxanna Redfoot. And I fianally got that smiley shot for Joe, my agent.

Ah this one reminds me of summers spent cruising Mason.. if you don't understand the comment you wouldn't get it if I explained either. :)

2009-05-13T13:47:00.002-05:00

And now for a plug for a friend..

http://colanerimakeup.com/index.html

I just modeled for a makeup artists' course with Kristin Colaneri, and we're also going to be working on a horror film next week. She also has her own line of makeup- which is really good stuff! It's professional quality and the prices are not bad either!

Shooting "Shiver"

2009-05-01T23:13:00.008-05:00

Today i shot a short student film with Laura Serrato. It was set in the 40's so we had some interesting vintage costumes and hairstyles. I don't want to spoil to much about it so I won't say much.. but here are some pictures I took while filming..

2009-04-21T14:43:00.002-05:00

Beauty is the most useless of currencies. It can't be used to buy any of the things you actually want from it.

Swamp Shoot

2009-04-16T14:25:00.005-05:00

I guess when you do a mobile blog, you can't rotate the picture. I shot at Caddo lake yesterday with Walter Workman, and my buddy Roxanna Redfoot. (http://www.modelmayhem.com/761889 She's so cool and pretty and she has the coolest name!)

Here we are canoeing to where we need to be.. Not the most flattering picture, but it was hot and muggy and taken carelessly with a cell phone. Obviously we don't have actual shoot pictures yet.

There's lovely Roxanna!

Being out there got me to wishing that I was seeing it just to see it.. being out there shooting is not the same as being there just to experience it. And everytime I get to see some cool place, i miss Thom..because I wish I could see it with him.

It also got me to missing the way the Eleven Point River smells.. fresh cold springs and caves and sun.

2009-04-16T14:24:00.001-05:00

shooting at caddo lake..

2009-04-11T16:37:00.001-05:00

Just found an online tearsheet from stuff I did forever ago.. http://www.321foto.com/availability.htm I'm going to say thats several pounds and several haircolors ago, lol.

The Days of Tequila and Lillies

2009-04-05T19:40:00.005-05:00

On Friday night after my show, Thom and our friend Joey (bartender at Vickery) and I made a desperate attempt to catch Hello Lover playing at Club Dada. One of my other friends/Vickery bartenders is in the band..

We ran across the park to the car and flew down 75 to Deep Ellum.. and then, anti-climatically, we parked and walked around looking for the club. We wandered past some sleeping street festival, past salsa clubs and dingy pizza place, past bums, through a landscape that should have probably belonged only to movies. We asked a whole cast of characters where it was, Joey even asked the same cop twice, but to no avail. Fortunately the cop was amused.

We fianally came through a crowd of mohawks and bondage pants and could see it on the other side. But we were five minutes too late, we'd missed the set. Sean was packing up when we got there. We did a couple of shots with him and my boss, who was also there.. i had a coke and Captain as well.. and somewhere between that and our fruitless search for the hottest chick in the bar, I lost track of at least some aspects of sobriety.

Record Hop went on, and the sound assaulted the tiny room with deafening fury. We stood up at the front and side of the stage, not really interacting with each other because the sound made communication rediculous. Everyone was alone with the music. I took a couple of snapshots with my camera.. my foot next to Thom's on the concrete floor, the singer blurring across the screen, a random crowd shot. Lost in the deafness of music, I made a note in my phone- "I hope I remember these snapshots- the last suck of a straw, the half hour of deafness.. the.. oblivion."

I can't remember the last time I could feel the poetry of my own life so intensely.. see the beauty in little pieces of things I see and do and the intricacies of the situations. To be sucking in air like it is something that you can't just get out of thin air. Maybe not since the days of running through a hardee's parking lot in the rain with a girl named Merry. Which is a story I must write soon..

Thom asked if everyone who works at Vickery is a starving artist. Maybe not precisely, but close. Working in a bar is really not a bad gig at all. It has its advantages.. and it offers eternal youth.

The last day of One Day Only..

2009-04-05T09:35:00.002-05:00

I just got finished with The Best of One Day Only with Roverdramawerks. Its sort of a theatre festival, lots of short plays. Thats part of why I haven't written in awhile. I'm going to back track later and tell another story..

The body for radio?

2009-03-20T20:15:00.004-05:00

Today I modeled on the radio. Seriously I did.

We came into the radio station, and wore outfits from Oscar Fierro's new "To Go" line so that they could see us as they talked about us. Every piece in the line is under 29.99, so that is pretty cool. Oscar Fierro is one of the few designers I have met that actually makes well made clothes at prices that real people can afford. Not that everything he does is inexpensive, but at least some of it is!

These are the looks I wore...

She's just not that into you.. and niether is she.. and niether is she..

2009-03-18T22:10:00.004-05:00

Earlier this week I was at the bar with some friends. There was a guy there- not with my group of course- who seemed to be making the rounds trying to strike out with all the girls. Now right now you are thinking that I didn't mean to say "trying to strike out", because you are thinking that he was trying not to strike out. And at first I didn't think he was TRYING to strike out either, but later I couldn't think of any other goal he could have had.

He first approached Jessica, but failed to sway her trajectory- which was out the door to smoke. He approached me, but aborted the mission when I greeted a fairly imposing looking guy. (Who ironically was my boss, but if it works, it works.)

Then later I noticed that Alaina was missing. Eventually we located her at the bar. Thom commented that he was not going to disturb her since she was talking to a dude.. yeah, it was THAT dude. She looked like she wanted rescued, so I rescued her.

Later, I went up to the bar with Alaina again to grab a drink. The afore mentioned dude walks straight up to us and says unceremoniously: "So I'm having a nice conversation with her, and then you come up, and it's like you're rescuing her or something!" I looked at her, she looked at me.. neither of us really had much to say to that.

I said something on the lines of "Oh its just I came here to hang out with my girls, so I figured I'd go find the girls I came to hang out with.." not wanting to be a total jackass.

He wouldn't have a placating response though and cut me off before the sentance was really out of my mouth. "Oh, so you're all like a bunch of deer or something then? One of you runs off and you all start freaking out?!" he said. He did a fairly offensive imitation of presumeably, doe-eyed me, looking around in a panic.

Now I think the situation now called for jackassness, but I wasn't just at any bar, i was at my bar, and didn't want to be a dick, and furthermore it was almost like being on candid camera.. a little too funny to really get mad.

'Actually i like to think of myself as a sheep dog.. " I said non-chalantly.

He turned to Alaina..

"So I get the feeling she thinks I was bothering you? Was i bothering you?" he demanded.

Alaina looked around as if looking for a way to not be either rude or a liar. He kept demanding for a second, until she threw up her hands and said- "Yeah, dude, you were kinda going there!" like a laidback stoner pushed to the edge.

Now you'd think that the conversation would have ended. it didn't. In fact it didn't end until we made some sort of casual reference to cutting off balls.

I'm not even sure how to end this story. If you didn't figure out the moral of it by now, you probably won't ever figure it out.

What you missed while you were in the bathroom...

2009-03-14T22:24:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where to start. I can't even wrap my head around all the stuff I've been up to.

Did a shoot for www.scandicouture.com.. a jewelry line.

I'm a "Godess of Gaming for Southwestern gaming Expo.. www.swge.com

I got a new day job, Marketing Manager for Vickery Park Plano.. a food n drinkin place. :) I was bored when I got it, and once I had it, everyone wanted me.

Did a couple of portfolio shoots here and there.

Modeled for Corey Lynn Calter at FIG in Dallas.. wish I had pictures!

I'm doing "The Best of One Day Only" with Roverdramawerks in Plano.. first weekend in April!

I've been pissed off, excited, exhausted, bored, frustrated, manic, sarchastic, and a few other things alternatingly, since I last wrote. I know its best when I isolate the small things and write about them, but sometimes I've just got to spit out basically the parts of the movie that you missed while you were taking a piss so you can get on with watching the rest of it, cause it won't stop for you.

I'm going home again the 24th, just for 2 days, to see my youngest sister's new baby, see how much my oldest sister's baby grew, and see my other sister while she's on leave from the army.

Again with the underwear videos...

2009-03-04T00:31:00.000-06:00

Stream.

2009-02-28T01:42:00.004-06:00

I'd like to take a moment to say something about Scott Stream. He was killed earlier this week in Afghanistan. The Chicago Tribune posted a letter written by him, you can read it here... http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-090226soldier-letter,0,7802298.story

This is how I remember Scott.. He was friendly as hell, and he loved to talk. He had alot of opinions and observations on alot of different topics. I was always glad to see him places because if he was there you never had to worry about not having someone to talk to. He seemed to say nearly everything that came into his head, and if he didn't, that dude sure had ALOT of stuff going on in his head.

He was always willing to help you out however he could, whether it was working on the house, blowing up an unwanted tree, or introducing you to hot Neoga chicks.. and he was the best damn Dungeons and Dragons dungeon master that ever lived. He was a self-proclaimed fan of the artwork of God. He made me read Carlos Casteneda, but I must admit I found Scott telling me about it to be more interesting than reading it myself- although he never would tell me what wind I was. His assessments of people were often right on, I laughed when he had Thom pegged, but was irritated when he was right about me. He could speak with the same kind of color and imagery that he wrote with, but sadly, he was not very good at cooking squirrel.

http://www.news-gazette.com/news/local/2009/02/27/sergeant_from_mattoon_dies_in

Acting classes for scumbags..

2009-02-24T21:05:00.003-06:00

I've bombed alot of acting auditions lately. Well, I think its unfair to say that I've bombed all of them. Sometimes you just don't get picked because you're taller than the male lead, or they really wanted somebody with more freckles, or you can't play the smart ass friend because the love interest isn't prettier than you.. but i digress.

I need acting lessons. Or somebody to just give me a chance because I know I was good once, and I think I still am but its just that my resume sucks because I haven't done much in awhile.

But I can't afford to expend money on doing the accepted next step and taking acting classes, and I can't afford to spend the time on doing community theatre because I have to spend that time trying to make money.

But I keep going to these auditions. And I keep watching everyone else who competes against me, all the people who already know each other because they all worked on some commercial, all the people who think this is old hat, all the people who absolutely love working with whats-his-face he is so inovative and his work is really a big deal and he's only moderately odd for someone so smart. And eventually I'm going to know all thier tricks, and I'm going to go to the audition that has been waiting for someone like be to walk through that door. I just try not to think about what is going to happen afterwards, whether they are going to call me or not, the potential rejection, and just think about being there and what can I notice and remember. Its like a mini actors' workshop. I love the ones where everyone auditions to the room the most.

I don't know that I have done anything that I have done using the step-by-step, textbook method that they tell you is the way to do it. But I get it done. I'll write a book about it someday.

the centerless universe

2009-02-21T22:16:00.005-06:00

Everything I keep trying to write profanes what I think and sounds pompous so I'll just say it with a drive down 1700th near Elliotstown IL and leave it at that.

towards brighter stars..

2009-02-04T22:12:00.002-06:00

We're getting ready to leave tonight for home- Southern Illinois, cornfields and brighter stars than here..
There's something relaxing about being home in Effingham County. Like the weight of who I became later is lifted off of me and its easy to be there.. I'm not going to give you some cliche line of crap that it is simpler there, because even after everywhere I've been since, I'm here to tell you that its not, and that line of thought is so patronizing.. But being in the place you came from, you don't have to think twice about anything, you just react and know you know the right answers.
So I put my nose ring in, and put a funky, non-photoshoot appropriate paint job on my nails (reverse french with OPI Tickle My Francey and My Private Jet) and defy even the Salmonella I picked up yesterday to keep me from getting home.
I'm looking forward to seeing my sister's baby, of course. And to the little things like El Rancherito mexican food- can't get anything like it in TX, ironically, maybe bumming around town with my mom, letting everything we do take forever and not caring, an appearance at Ichabod's, just to see who I see... And we've got a wedding to go to in C-Dale, should see alot of people there that I haven't for awhile.
And it'll be nice to drive alone on a two lane highway, under cold sky and bright stars.

In my underwear.. or rather, Her Room's underwear.

2009-02-03T13:49:00.002-06:00

Lucky Seven Eleven

2009-02-01T21:53:00.002-06:00

I recently discovered that Seven 11's have fruit bowls. And they are (usually) awesome.. although sometimes you have to check and make sure it doesn't look three days old.

2009-01-23T22:53:00.003-06:00

I now interupt my usual patter for an announcement.

My older sister had her baby on Jan. 20th. It's a boy- my first nephew. I don't have any nieces either for the record. It is wierd to think of her being somebody's mom. Not because she wouldn't be good at it.. just because.. I don't know.

It is wierd too because I am not there with the rest of my family back in IL. I guess I always pictured leaving the Cornfields (that never owned us anyway.. our fields were oil) and being gone. But at the same time I guess I pictured being there somehow when all this came to be. And the two things contradict each other.

I can't really quite wrap my head around the whole feeling and in a way I think it would degrade it to try to write about it in too much detail. My narration diefies the details. But it profanes the really intense I am afraid. When I am too direct it does any way.

So that is all.

always quoting shit

2009-01-19T21:12:00.000-06:00

"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know," -Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

boredum, frustration, hope, ambition

2009-01-15T23:25:00.003-06:00

I feel I should write something. But I feel too restless to write out any of the really good ideas I have right now. I am getting antsy.

December and so far, january, has been really slow. I have been improving my portfolio though, but i haven't been improving my bank account or my resume much. And I am starting to get this kind of restless/helpless feeling that I want to do something but can't make it happen. I guess its always slow this time of year.

I have started toying with the idea of becoming obsessed with wanting to work overseas. I've heard Hong kong is nice. Or Tokyo. Or Milan.. or lots of other places. Once again, not something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.. but i'm looking into it.

I've been feeling stagnant. I guess part of me gets frustrated because the only things I can put effort into right now I can't see immediate results for. Like working out. And even if I was the most toned person in the world tommorrow, I'd still probably be frustrated that the world hadn't noticed. And the other part of me just can't understand why I'm not famous yet. :)

But.. I've been doing everything I can and keeping my eyes open. And I've got a few irons in the fire that I'm hoping will pan out soon. So theres a bit of hope in the back of my head but I don't count on anything that isn't happening right now. I think i might have something or another more interesting to write about than this soon. I hope.

The Filmore Pub

2009-01-08T00:41:00.003-06:00

I've always had this kind of fantasy about what it would be like to hang out at the local pub. And by pub I mean pub in the sense that pubs exist in my fantasies of England and Ireland. I am trying to think of a movie that has a pub in it that is just like the pub in my fantasy... I am drawing a blank right now though. I guess sort of a combination of the pubs in Green Street Houligans, Dear Frankie, and The Quiet Man.

But I have never really lived anywhere where there was a pub that satified my expectations. Callahan's in Carbondale called itself a pub I think, but it lacked something that was neccesary for true pub-ness in my opinion. I think I may have found the pub of my fantasies in Plano, TX.. The Filmore Pub on 15th.

Its' qualifications include.. a laid-back atmosphere, a good selection of drinks, a good selection of food.. (they even have stuff that isn't fried) .. it is in an old looking part of town so it has that right kind of atmosphere when you go stand outside to smoke.. and the interior looks like what a pub looks like in my imagination. It isn't overwhelmed with too loud music, or covered in sports bullshit. The only thing missing is people with Irish accents, but you can't win em all.

My friend/ex-boss jessica can be credited with turning me on to The Filmore.. she's also just the kind of person i imagined would hang oout in a pub. We went there tonight, with a couple other friends, and I only had one alcoholic drink and didn't totally give healthy eating the finger, and I still had a good time!

So now I am thinking about how cool it will be to say things like, "I'm just goin' down to the pub.." or answering the phone: "We're at the pub.." I imagine myself saying these things with an Irish accent of course. I can't say them outloud though.. because of the poor quality of my fake Irish accent.

But I've found my pub. All is right with the world.

Something New...

2009-01-05T20:36:00.003-06:00

Really cool vintage glasses/Really bad myspace-y pictures

2008-12-29T21:20:00.003-06:00

As I said before, I got some cool vintage glasses whilst hanging out with Dad the other day. Which ones do you like better?

(Ah the joys of taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror!)

life and documenting it- a dilemma

2008-12-22T22:41:00.006-06:00

As I said in one of my early blogs, I grew up always taking pictures with my siblings, esp. my oldest sister who was photography obsessed. My whole family has a different approach to taking pictures than most I think. The only person in my family who will shy away from having a picture taken is Mom, and she is almost comfortable with it too these days.
My oldest sister and i have a saying- "You know you had fun if you've got the pictures to prove it." And sometimes the best times we have are taking pictures. And long ago I scrawled a line in my little notebook and remembered it always- "..caught between life and documenting it." It seems sometimes we are more concerned with documenting the experience than experiencing it.
And why I am telling you this now will be aparent at the end of this post.

My dad picked me up at the airport when I got back from NY/NJ. A bit of backstory- I left Illinois in May, and hadn't seen him since then. He had come to Texas, to San Angelo, almost a month ago, to work with my uncle who lives there. Since San Angelo is pretty far from here, we still hadn't seen each other. He fell off of a little cliff down here and got hurt, and then couldn't leave until the doctor decided he didn't need to get the cut in his throat worked on. So then he fianally got to head towards home as I was coming back. He told my mom he didn't recognize me in the airport- I was still in photoshoot hair and makeup.
He was here for a night, and then a day, and then left the next morning. We went out to Mckinney, because the traffic in Dallas makes him discombobulated. He thinks its going to get me killed I think.

It was so cold that day we couldn't do much. We tried to walk around downtown Mckinney a bit, but whenever you came out from a place where a building blocked the wind, the wind was brutal. We went to the Mom and Popcorn Shop, and bought candy, which I probably shouldn't have had. But oh well. And then Dad said "Well, antique shops are used to people coming in and not buying anything," and so we decided to hang around the antique shops to keep warm.
We made fun of some of them for selling absolute crap, and we looked for poisonous ingredients on bottles of old food and medicine. The last one we went in we spent the most time in. it was huge, but unfortunately the top floor had such a low ceiling that dad couldn't come anywhere near standing up up there. (He's like 6'6" i think?)
They had a ton of really cool old sunglasses and some badass 70's shoes and such. We looked and looked at the sunglasses, but unfortunately all the ones with the really cool green lenses were prescription. But I did get some without green lenses.
Later we went to finish my Christmas shopping so he could bring all the gifts back with him.

The next morning I woke up and found that he was gone. I thought, "He didn't even say goodbye, that bastard." And that would have been par for the course with Dad. He seems to hate saying goodbye. He rarely even says it on the phone. I've always wondered if it goes back tohis tragic childhood, but that's another story.

I stood there slightly dumbfounded, looking for some evidence that he hadn't really left but there was none. I walked through the living room a few times, looking for something that wasn't there and it struck me sickeningly that I hadn't even taken any pictures. I woke Thom up and said, "i think my dad just up and left." "Are you fuckin' serious?" he said.

But it turned out not to be so. He'd just loaded everything in the old VW Fox and went for coffee. And when he came back, I did snap just two bad pictures in the living room, where i'm not even out of my pajamas. The real me. Not the character I play. A rarity in photos these days.
And it struck me, that it is not often that I am living so intently in the moment that I forget to document it. And I don't know what to make of that.

Putting alot of miles on the plaid coat..nah this isn't about that at all.

2008-12-17T23:06:00.015-06:00

I have been trying to piece together a blog in my head about NJ/NY, and I find I really can't without omiting things or being really long winded. And so I'm going to shut the hell up and do a photo blog.. pictures by me and the point-and-shoot unless noted...

Juicy Couture window... Where can I get a blue greyhound?

Louie V. architecture..

Being cool- its what I do. Photo by Mark Thomason.

Commercialism Wow!

It's hard to be this cool in this many laayers of winter clothes.

Photo by mark Thomason.

Feelin just a bit like Courtney Love in a self taken picture in hair n makeup from one shoot.

My own little version of carrying my own towel.

2008-12-11T01:19:00.003-06:00

The Hitchhiker's Guide recommends that you always carry your own towel. I think there is a bit of wisdom in this. I actually have a blankie, however. And right now I'm glad that I do. I misinterpreted the DFW airport as the sort of place that never slept, and since no one could bring me to the airport in the morning, I went at night.
But no one is working at my gate, so I am stuck in the baggage claim/entrance limbo area. And its cold here. And who knows how long I'll be waiting here. And on an aside, I'm starving and there are only drink vending machines and I think my food diary today (or lack of anything to write down) would impress the hell out of you. But I did find the only outlet in the world and I paid TMobile six bucks for a day of internet, so now- an ode to a fuzzy blankie:
I first got the idea at Back to the Ranch, when there were not enough sheets and blankets to go around and I got stuck sleeping on the floor with a sheet. That night, and the nights following it, I vowed that a blanket was the awesomest thing possible to own and soon I'd have one strictly for traveling.
So I got one. At TJMAxx or Ross. Its kind of brown/grey, almost like our Toyota, but a touch browner. And its sort of a furry velvety chenile. I brought it to the Virgin Islands, and it saved me from total misery on the flights, and was wadded up into a nice ball of a pillow while I was there. I also had it in San Antonio the next weekend, but it didn't get much action. But still. It was there, ever vigilant, in case I needed some warmth, or comfort, or a makeshift photo backdrop, or possibly even a non-traditional garment.
And now here I am, wrapped up in it on the airport floor, likely to go to sleep at any minute. I just hope I don't resort to eating it tonight.

Let it not be said that I am afraid to post unflattering pictures of myself.

Food, Glorious Food! Glorious Food! Or the lack of it..

2008-12-09T20:35:00.005-06:00

I think I am making pretty good progress on my getting in shape/skinnier. I haven't really lost any weight, pounds wise, and I so far really haven't lost much off of my main measurements, but my stomach looks alot flatter, and my legs are firmer. Not a dramatic change, but its a start. I did lose half an inch off of my thigh measurement.
So I know, I know, you're reading this going WTF crazy things is this already basically thin chick doing to try to lose weight? So here is a real life confession..

I have been working out twice a day if possible. Generally I do anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour on the treadmill, and weights, and possibly a little bike or eliptical. And squats and such around the house.

And I have been majorly watching what I eat. And keeping track of it. And in the interest of confession, here is a typical day. I am not saying this is the healthiest way to eat, I'm not recommending you eat this way, and I won't keep going like this forever- but for strictly anthropological documentation purposes, here it is:

On Mon Dec 8th I ate:
10 am- bloody Mary with no alcohol, (Virgin mary?) lots of celery
1 pm- instant coffee, a few mini rice cakes, a few craisins
4 pm- a few wedding style after dinner mints
4:30 Starbucks coffee, sugar free syrup (I was waiting for my car to be fixed)
7:45 wheat french bread pizza- I'd estimate about 5 inches of the bread, with pizza sauce, tomatos, and a tiny tiny bit of feta cheese on it
8 pm a few craisins
11:30 brown rice, lettuce, tomatoes and taco chicken with green salsa. It wasn't very good.
I probably had a few more craisins before bed.

Today I am taking sort of a cheat day. It is stressful to keep going thinking this hard about it for weeks on end. So in my estimation, today I had.. coffee with splenda, fresco burrito supreme no beans from taco bell, fruit and yogurt parfait, craisins, 100 cal of popcorn, light yogurt, some rice cakes, and a sugar free jello. I'll prob eat something kind of "normal' if I'm feeling wild.

And my final thought... Yes it is a sacrifice. Alot of people probably wouldn't agree with me trying to lose any fat/weight at all, but I don't really have an issue with it. Its just what I have to do for the job. And although its a pain in the ass, it really is advantageous to me that I have to be really skinny to model. I know that if i'm disciplined and work hard, I can do it. Not everyone can. And it is what I can do that not everyone can that I can get paid for.

Furthermore, when I worked at Denny's, i had to work the smoking section. Was it healthy? No. But you've got to make a living.

Working on New Goals

2008-12-08T10:03:00.004-06:00

It's been awhile since I have written. I have been trying to do more strictly fashion test shoots, and trying to get in ridiculous, Heidi Klum-esque shape. For the record, the agency never used the words "lose weight" with me, they told me my legs and belly needed some toning, and they were right. But, I know the score, and I know what I am competing with, and I am trying to lose a little. For better or worse, that is what I need to do to be marketed as a fashion model. But maybe I'll do a blog strictly on that later.

I did two shoots on Saturday. one I got pictures back from already. So here are a few. These were with Manuel Crespo, and the lovely makeup artist Michelle Rodgers.

More of Manuel"s stuff- http://www.modelmayhem.com/665902

More of Michelle's- http://www.modelmayhem.com/674102

Mostly makeup, clothes, and a little food.

2008-11-29T13:37:00.004-06:00

I'm in a good mood for no particular reason so I thought I'd pay tribute to some products/things that actually do what they are supposed to.. Without further delay.. Things that make me happy:

-Smashbox Color Correcting Primer. I use the purple one. I didn't think purple face stuff sounded like a good idea, but I got convinced. It feels like velvet coating for your face and helps ease my chronic greasiness.

-Wearing only powder makeup with my Smashbox primer. I'm using some sort of Red Earth mineral stuff right now, buffed in thoroughly with a good brush. This is what I'm using in most of my Tim Bennett pics and in the recent Marcus Lopez shoot.

-Expensive makeup in general. It really is better. The pigment is better, and the lip gloss stays on better with less sticky feel.

-That said- Loreal Colour Riche lipgloss. "A Lighter Shade of Hope" limited edition is my current favorite, even if they did use Scarlette Johanasson to advertise it.

-Celestial Seasonings Sugar Plum Spice Tea. It's at Big Lots right now, LOL. While I'm on the Subject, Big Lots makes me happy. I expect/hope that this will always be the case, even when I'm filthy rich...

-Calvin Klien lingerie. They actually come in 32D.. but I'm down to a C now so I don't need that anymore. They use good fabric, and designs which aren't cheesy sexy, but aren't dumpy-practical looking either. And they're comfortable.

-Healthy Sexy Hair Pumpkin potion leave in Conditioner.

-Harrison Funk is a ray of f-in sunshine!

-Perfumes from Victoria's Secret smell like Christmas/winter to me.. thier smells somehow hang in the air and are recognizible yet not overpowering. Except for Rapture. I hate Rapture. Very Sexy smells like excitement and new possibilities, Love Spell smells like... good things but too many people wear it for me to wear it, Dream Angels Heavenly smells like my friend Sara... :) Supermodel smells good enough to make up for having a cheesy name, and that is the next fragrance I want to aquire. And Body by Victoria smells like cleanliness and sensibility.

-Chip and Pepper's line for JCPenney. Too bad I bought the pair I have when I was tubbier than I am now.

2008-11-27T12:28:00.004-06:00

And I also shot with Marcus Lopez on
Monday....

And heres one from VI- haven't got many yet.. This one by Toby Miller.

2008-11-27T12:20:00.003-06:00

Sigh... Now that I have good stuff to write about, I never have time. So I got back from the Virgin Islands, did the Dallas Fashion and Art runway show, then had to go down to San Antonio. At the same time, my dad came down to TX to San Angelo to work, and we've been trying to get to the same place at the same time.. but he got hurt and can't leave San Ang until he sees the doctor again. I got back from San Antonio on Sunday, and met with the Clutts Agency on Tuesday.. and I'm signing with them! I fianally found an agent who seems to see me the same way I see me.
But.. now I have to spend Thanksgiving trying to lose the jiggle off of my thighs.. which I really should have already done, but not having too many food choices and not being able to work out in the Islands had made the whole situation more grave than it should have been.
Also, they are giving me back my E- they want me to go by Erika.

2008-11-18T06:27:00.003-06:00

I'm leaving the Islands today. Last night I took a small boat from Water Island to Hassle Island and scrambled across the line of boulder to climb up to an old fort for a shoot. And then came down in the complete dark. When we got back to our cottages, the photographer asked me if I thought that having to do that was too much for a photoshoot. To me that is what makes it worthwhile. I didn't get into it for the hair and makeup. Its the potential to see the stars from the top of a stone wall on a tiny island, with the lights of St. Thomas wraping around the horizon that keeps me in love with this job.

I will write more about this later, and hopefully post some better pictures soon.

In the Islands..

2008-11-13T16:40:00.003-06:00

I got to the Virgin Islands on Tuesday after some delay. Our internet is not that reliable, so I'm not going to post anything too long. I am on Water Island, which is a little island near St.Thomas. It is hot and humid, but the water here is sparkling intense blue and clear, and the beaches are nice.
I've done a handful of shoots already, and have alot more to come. So I'll write you a more poetic one later.. If the internet holds out.

Pictures

2008-11-10T18:12:00.002-06:00

Here are a couple shots from the last shoot I did with Tim Bennett.

I've got to go pack some stuff.. I'm leaving for the Virgin Islands early in the morning!

Between Drain STH and Cherry Darling

2008-11-10T17:34:00.004-06:00

Saturday night I was once again flying down 75 with the lights of Dallas snaking all around me, as I often find myself.. always with someplace to be, and usually right after I get done being somewhere else. I had Drain STH's version of Ace of Spades playing and as I sang with her "..you win some, lose some, its all the same to me- The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say.." I thought about all the other times I'd sang along with that album and where I was driving all those times. I think about driving back home sometimes, and how if I drive from Allen downtown and get off at say exit 1A, that's as far as it is between Dieterich and Effingham, a drive I made so often down the lonely highway driving fast in the dark. Because I'd made the drive so many time it felt like an eternity to drive it one more time.
I do miss the feeling sometimes of being able to get out on a county highway and just drive, alone, with no cars. Drive down the center line if you want.
But back to Saturday. Where I was going was Carson's Live, a club in North Dallas. And once there I wound up dabbling in the traditional moonlighting gig of models, actresses, and ballet dancers everywhere... go-go dancing.
Don't worry Mom, I wasn't naked. As the night went on, I began to suspect that the bikini-sized costume was less for the purpose of being sexy, and more because you wouldn't survive the dancing if you were wearing much more clothes. Its about the best workout I've ever had. It's more or less like nights I spent with my sister at Upside Downtown, a gay bar back in glamorous Carbondale, IL, except for the most part no lesbians buy you drinks. And of course you can never slow down. And I get paid to do it. Go-go dancing isn't the only job available in club promotions, there are also shot girls and minglers and I hear next time we will have girls on swings. But personally my first pick would be go-go. I'd rather be on stage than in the crowd, as always.
I had glowing rings on my fingers, and a black fan in my hand and just danced as long and hard as I could.. And I didn't share Cherry Darling's sentiments at all. To me its almost like getting paid to go out. And I think, like going out to the club as a patron, it can be as skanky as you make it. Or you can not make it skanky.
By the end of the night, I had realized that probably the important thing about go-go dancers is not providing eye candy, but inciting the female club goers to get wild. Some girl in the back of the room was up on a table by the end of the night, I'd like to think I helped inspire that. I had also pulled every muscle between my abs and my knees, and I never wanted to look at my six inch heels again.
I drove home at 2:30, with the moon low and full and weird in my rear view, feeling like I was in a bubble because the outside sounds were having a hard time getting through the speaker ring in my ears. Pretty oddly similar to being back in IL, stumbling into the Steak n Shake after screaming my heart out with the band. And I don't know that anyone from back home would be proud of my most recent addition to the resume, but when you think about it its really not a bad fit for me.

Shooting with Tim Bennett and my obsession with the shadows on my nose

2008-11-06T14:22:00.005-06:00

One of my designs shot by Tim

As I said in my last post, a couple of nights ago I shot with my friend Tim Bennett. We basically like to work on our own projects together most of the time, and that night the inspiration was Stacy Kiebler's Maxim shoot, and Gisele's Dolce and Gabbana The One ad. So basically we used that as a starting point, and then just let the shots go wherever they went from there. I think we were quite successful, but I don't have many of the pictures back yet to show you.
I have been shooting with Tim for awhile now, and it seems like we just go crazy when we shoot, we race from one idea to the next and sometimes do two wildly different shoots in the same day. The candy necklace picture is from our first shoot ever.
I really like the way Tim is able to control the light in his photos. He always uses magical combinations of light which make me look awesomely toned in the shots. Sometimes I get a picture back from a shoot and its overall a good shot, but the way the light hit on my stomach caused a shadow making it look way pudgier than it is or something like that and it's really disappointing. But that never happens with Tim, he pays close attention to all of that stuff. And interestingly enough, he's also a pilot. How crazy is that?
You can see his website at www.probodyshots.com or http://www.modelmayhem.com/610715.

Another of my favorite one of Tim's shots from a previous shoot.

During a shoot, as I see the pictures on the camera, (if I get the chance to) I am always critiquing myself and thinking about what I can do better. During this last shoot I was thinking about the angles of my face and how to hold my head for the most flattering results. I have kind of an odd nose. It looks pretty ordinary from certain angles, dramatically and attractively different in others, and just weird in a bad way in a few certain ones that I have trained myself to avoid. I think all models have certain things they are always concerned about in pictures, mine is my nose. I used to hate my nose, when I was in high school I secretly hated seeing pictures of myself in profile. Now I'm glad I have it, it gives me the ability to pull off a bit more of a fashion look. But the most dramatic features are the ones we have to be most careful of in how they are presented.

A blog I wish I had the energy to write..

2008-11-06T01:59:00.003-06:00

In the past couple days I have... worked in the showroom, did a photoshoot with my friend Tim Bennett, went in to do some lingerie modeling for www.herroom.com, and went to talk to E Models, an agency which I am going to start working with, and there I wound up doing just a couple pics.

And I'm too tired to write about it all, but this doesn't work if I don't document what happens. I will write about some of it in detail tomorrow I hope.

I want this.

2008-11-04T23:21:00.003-06:00

I think I want something like this for my next shoot- which looks like it's going to be in the Virgin Islands. And the good thing is, I can make it. I think I'll go with a brighter color though. I'm undecided on fabric- have to see what strikes my fancy. It's actually really similar to something I bought when I went to Honduras- but I don't know what happened to that. The photo is from Style.com by the way, From Hermes' Spring show. The model is Naomi Campbell of course.

Working at Dallas Market Week

2008-11-04T15:13:00.005-06:00

The glorious view from the atrium..

Actually written Oct 31 2008..

I worked Dallas market week last week, and it was a really good experience. I was originally hired to model in the showroom, but Steve, the showroom owner, found out that I have a degree in Fashion Design, and my job title quickly became more flexible. It was really quite interesting watching the buyers shop lines and listening to all the conversation around me- kind of like being the proverbial fly on the wall. I worked very long hours- not to mention the hour it takes to make my hair behave like it belongs to a model- and at the end of market I never wanted to work again. But now I’d be ready to do it again next week if I could.

Dallas Market Center may be the most wonderful place in the world. If there is a more wonderful place, I’m sure its in New York or Paris or Milan. Or maybe in London, but that’s really not fair- the English accent makes everything more appealing. There are 15 floors, with a huge gaping atrium in the center that cuts down through all of them so that when you ride the clear elevator up you can window shop every floor for just a moment. Just going up to the 14^th floor where I worked made me feel like I was getting ready to do something quite glamorous and exciting.

When the place fills up with buyers, it suddenly becomes very hard not to go around blatantly checking out everyone’s shoes. It may be a stereotype, but it is true- for the most part, buyers are very glamorous. I often wished that I could be the Sartorialist (http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/) and just go around taking pictures of them all. But instead I had to stand and look pretty and be the object of attention. While there are young, trendy buyers to be seen, a lot of them are nearer to my mother’s age, or even her mother’s age for that matter. These were the women I was most fascinated with- you see glamorous twenty-something women in every magazine, (although sometimes all a story contains is young women who are presented as glamorous, although the particular specimens may or may not be.) But at market I saw so many women in their forties and sixties with devastating style and confidence.

The modeling in a showroom can run the gamut between the easiest kind of modeling and the hardest. In and of itself, the job is easy. Just stand and display a garment, turn when told to, put on something else when told to. The hard part is this- Market Center was FREEZING the entire time, and many of the garments I had to display were rather tiny swimsuits from Cia Maritima. Putting on a swimsuit is easy enough, but at the end of a day spent concentrating on smiling and not letting myself shiver I find I’m much more tired than I otherwise would have been. That said, I absolutely loved the bikinis- even the Brazilian cut ones- and the thought of how good they looked on me went a long ways toward keeping me warm. Plus everyone I got to work with was really cool.

Steve also has the distinction of having played guitar with John Denver- and I’m quite fond of John Denver so it was cool to hear some stories about that- and we also got to hear Steve play at Market Center one night! His website is http://www.steveweisberg.net/, you can see info about both the showroom and his music there.

I also got to show a few lines from time to time. I have never really thought of myself as a “seller” personality type but I must admit I did find it quite enjoyable. It’s not about convincing someone that they should buy something. It’s just about connecting a person who already wants a product to the correct product. I will most likely continue doing some work in the showroom for Steve, which I am looking forward to. Although I am focused on and enjoying the heck out of my modeling, it is good to feel like my degree is getting a bit of use.

An outfit I put together with some of the showroom samples

A Basic Timeline of Rika's Existence

2008-11-04T14:26:00.005-06:00

The end of the eighties.. Rika’s memory starts here. She spent her childhood in the country in Effingham County Illinois- which is far far away from Chicago but only a couple hours from St. Louis. Rika has three sisters and one brother. Dad works on oil rigs, Mom stayed home for the first several years of Rika’s life. A good day for Rika during these years involves some of her cousins visiting. The TV only gets two channels, but Rika watches Ninja Turtles and Mario Brothers nearly religiously. She likes to play outside and frequently has boys’ haircuts.

Elementary school- Rika goes to Dieterich Elementary school. She is not very good at being a kid and never understands what the other kids are talking about because of her lack of watching TV and movies. She likes to read anything historical and is sort of a quiet dork.

Rika’s older sister has a 110 camera and she and Rika begin to take posed pictures of each other. Eventually they move on to 35 mm and eventually older sister emerges as the photographer and Rika becomes the model.

Rika's youngest sister participating in Oldest Sister's early photographic habit

Junior high- Still going to Dieterich, just a different hallway now. Rika does solos at chorus concerts and school variety shows. Starts to play bass guitar. Begins to discover the entertainment value of being odd. Older sister is the “hot girl” at school, Rika is generally well tolerated because of this. Rika starts dying her hair the night of 8^th grade graduation and keeps switching her hair color constantly until after college.

Rika (with wrench at left) with siblings. Photo by Carpe Diem Photography (Oldest Sister and her husband)

High school- Rika plays music with various buddies, eventually spend a significant amount of time playing heavy metal in Nine Circles with best friend/boyfriend Thom, her brother Levi, and neighbor Poe. Destroys a good percent of her voice this way.

Sews her own clothes because the nearest Hot Topic is almost an hour away in Terre Haute, Indiana. Works fast food and waitressing jobs. Gets good roles in school plays and does the announcements every morning on high school cable channel- allowing the whole school to quickly check out what she is wearing. Generally refuses to do homework and graduates 22 out of 42.

Y2K- The coming of the millennium is somewhat uneventful as Rika’s parents make her come home by midnight. Older sister salvages some of the night by insisting on bringing Rika home about a half hour late. J

Older sister becomes a serious photographer sometime during this era.

The graduation cap and the butch haircut caused by too much dying- photo by Christa Tibbs

Rika majors in Fashion Design in college. She works her ass off in school for the first time in her life and also works jobs like Denny’s and Casey’s gas station. Doesn’t have time to do much but school and work. Models occasionally for school fashion shows, ect., sometimes her own designs. Wins first place in eveningwear at Emerging Young Designer in St. Louis- gets a badass embroidery machine. Almost signs with a modeling agent in St. Louis, decides the guy is a creep. Graduates May 2008.

Models in Rika's creations for her senior thesis collection

June 2008- Moves somewhat inexplicably to Dallas TX, starts modeling seriously, and stops dying her hair.

I can't turn off my inner dialog.

2008-11-04T14:19:00.003-06:00

I was thinking one day and realized my life was getting kind of interesting, so I decided to make a blog about it. I've been writing pieces for it for a while as I shopped around for the best site for it, so I'll be posting those all today, although they were written at different times. I should be good at blogging, seeing as how I can't turn off my inner dialog.